Funerals are never easy. First, they are painful reminders we are mortal. Second, someone's company has been lost as we know it. Heck, even grumpy folks have someone for whom they were good company. Little did I know a funeral would be an encounter that would challenge me to reconsider my own tendency to judge.
Marcus Standish was the son of Steve and Glenna Standish, owners of a client company and fine folks to boot. He was one, who by earthly expectations, too young to go. He was only 21. As each of us is unique in his or her own way, so too was Marcus. Quick to smile or laugh, deeply and authentically, Marcus was a lover of life, AND of each of the people who were part of the tapestry of his relatively short life.
The cast of individuals who made up Marcus' life was diverse. Some might argue a bit more diverse than he could manage effectively. Yet, Marcus's legacy is just that - he did not try to manage or control people. He enjoyed the heck out of their company - right where they were when he met them. Executives, addicts, classmates, co-workers, Special Olympians, accomplished athletes, children, adults, brilliant, clueless . . . . didn't matter. He enjoyed the company of the entire lot. If ever anyone modeled unconditional love, Marcus would be near the top of that list.
What Marcus may have lacked in effective boundaries, he made up for with authenticity. As alluded to above, some who knew him well might argue the absence of those boundaries were part of Marcus' somewhat bumpy road in life. Perhaps so. However, at least one other perspective deserves additional consideration. What if time with Marcus, his sometimes painful, hard-fought, short journey not withstanding, introduced a glimpse of the only one who can make life make sense - Jesus - to someone he loved with those imperfect boundaries? Take it to the house that someone who knew Marcus Standish will never be the same again, for that encounter, and only God knows where HE (God) might take the time spent with Marcus for that person (or persons).
I, for one, will NEVER forget an act at Marcus' funeral so steeped in unconditional love it was almost hard for me to take in. It shined such a bright light on how judgmental and critical I have been (and sadly will likely be again) that it made my stomach turn inside out - for all the right reasons - it convicted me to the core. The act was breathtaking in its depth.
As guests were seated, the diverse crowd of Marcus' friends and acquaintances who were not biologically related occupied a portion of the crowd near the front on one side. They, like those directly related to him, were clearly grief-stricken at a deep, deep level. Sadly, I have been to at least one other funeral in a church for an individual who had diverse cast of friends. And, in that instance, observed more than a few questioning the very presence of those friends at the funeral. Not here - not at a funeral for Marcus. His enduring legacy was about to show itself in a daring, mind and heart-bending manner.
After a time, the pastor asked if anyone from the audience would like to speak regarding Marcus, or the occasion. One of those who would rise to speak was Glenna, Marcus' mother, to whom Marcus was so dear (as is Mason her other son). She began by thanking the entire crowd for their attendance. However, her first specific comments were directed purposely to Marcus' grieving assembly of friends. Though sad, likely beyond description, Glenna spoke with amazing calm as she said, "To those of you here who were Marcus' friends, I know Marcus loved you. He considered you his family just like he did me, his dad and his brother. And, while he and I did not always agree about some of you, he loved you - and that is enough for me. You will always be part of my family."
Did she just say what I think she said? Surely I was dreaming. Surely I did not hear a grieving mother, reach out to comfort those with whom she may have disagreed at times. I floundered to take in what I believe was a mother, still in shock at her loss, yet not so much in shock she could not extend grace at a time when others might have spewed the venom of anger, or resentment, or looked for someone to blame; God, these friends, someone . . . anyone.
I was not dreaming. I did hear that. I did hear love, consolation, grace - the essence of Marcus' legacy begun in a few sentences to hurting young adults, also grieving the loss of his smile, from his mother!
Momentarily, as the realization hit me, I could hardly breathe. The white hot light of my petty judgments regarding others (friends and foes alike), critical comments and accusing stares and plain stupidity in failing to grasp the gift of the people who God himself has allowed to cross my path was searing, painful and surgically precise in touching my own proud heart. Had Marcus been able to see inside my stone heart during our few encounters, he might have said to me, "You're missing out Bart. Folks have a lot to give you - that judgment is killing you - and more importantly, them."
That episode, a mother's courage, willingness to admit her own faults in the midst of grief, love for those loved by Marcus - warts and all, and willingness to set aside her own feelings to share those of her dear son for his friends, mirror the love of the Savior Marcus was early in getting to know. Today, that love is perfected for Marcus. And, his legacy will live in the lives of others, some who will live forever with him, and HIM. Thank you Marcus for challenging me to be a better me. Thank you Glenna for showing me that being a parent means more than just giving instructions. It also means the humility to learn from our children.
Marcus Standish, indeed the road less traveled. Thank you Marcus!
However, tonight as I reflect on the priviledge of having known each, and those who loved them, what strikes me is how similar the legacy each leaves behind - love, attributes in each's character in an unusually strong manner, Evidence of the truth of the earliest verses of Genesis where God says He will create man in His image. Marcus and Sandy both left behind an example of what unconditional love looks like, in practical every day life.
Consider Sandy in this episode, 29 years ago. It was December 31st. Billy Joel was playing in Dallas. Single, I decided to bolt Abilene where I was living, come to Dallas unannounced to hit the concert and then spend the night with my high school friend and college roommate, Steve Mack and his bride of six months, Sandy (who he met at Abilene Christian, where we had been students). Yes, they were married, but we'd been friends, me and Steve for six years - he'd only known her four (yes, insert, Bart is a dork here). I knocked on the door and Sandy answered. "Hi, Bart," she said with some doubt in her voice and a strange look on her face. "Hi Sandy, Steve home," I asked like the trip had been planned for months. Steve's face popped into the opening of the door, he asked with some aggitation in his voice, "Bart, what are you doing in Dallas?"
The upshot? I was uninvited, expected to stay in their apartment, had forgotten it was Sandy's birthday (her first as a married woman). She graciously invited me in, said they'd be out but gave me the key, apologizing for not being able to entertain me. I was an idiot!!! (That only started to change recently, I am saddened to say). I spoke with Sandy, two weeks before she died - she was still gracious to me, and had been for each of the 29 years in between. Sandy loved me, and other people in one way - unconditionally, right where they were.
Here funeral was a collection of friends who had been touched by that love in many different, tangible ways. Her children spoke with amazing composure, given the circumstances, strengthened by the touch of her love. Love she got from knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she was loved by Steve, and more importantly by the God who created her and gave His own son to bring that love to life in her.
Marcus, he was quite a young man. He truly never met a stranger. Marcus's greatest strength was he was fascinated by, friendly to, and willing to enjoy being with you, whoever you were; portfolio or penniless, profound or profane, postured or propped up - didn't matter to Marcus. He could, and would love you just the same. A quick smile, willing to share the shirt on his back, and interested in getting to know your story - regardless what it was, Marcus made people feel comfortable just being who they were at the time he met them.
Marcus's love, love that also came from having surrendered his big heart to the heart that never fails - Jesus - powered an act so outrageous today, I shall NEVER forget it. I will be challenged by it, more so that hundreds of sermons I have heard, if I live to be an old, old man. His mother, Glenna, stood before the audience. Though grief-stricken, she looked directly into the crowd at a group of young adults who were Marcus's friends and said something close to, "Marcus loved you all. You were his family. Me and Marcus did not always agree on who his friends were. And, even today, I will be honest, some of you make me nervous. But Marcus loved you. And that is enough for me. Me and Steve learned alot from Marcus about loving unconditionally. So today, thank you for being here, for loving Marcus. You are part of our family too."
I know Glenna Standish. She does not just throw words like "love" around. Her willingness to extend Marcus's love to everyone present spoke loudly about the legacy Marcus has left behind.
Tonight, I miss Sandy. I know Steve, their sweet kids and so many others do as well. I did not know Marcus as well, or as long, but I know he will be sorely missed for what his unconditional love could teach folks, even by those of us who did not know him nearly as well as Steve, Sandy and Mason. BUT, despite our sadness at their passing
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Friday, February 03, 2012
Gravel and Diamonds
As I begin working to organize a joint 35th Class Reunion for the classes of 1977, 1978 and 1979 at Lubbock Christian High School, I discovered the item pasted below, while looking for an image I could use of the Reunion FB page.
I am proud of LCHS. The letter shows a sense about youthful romance, which is going to happen, sometimes setting the stage for relationship patterns the rest of one's life (more often than not it seems those patterns are negative, unproductive ones). The discussion in the posting, including the piece of a letter sent to young people who appear to have an interest in each other, exhibits an unapologetic balance, sorely needed in our culture - including the Body of Christ.
Sex is real. God created it, and intends a special mind and heart boggling purpose for it, in a specific context. He loves us enough to provide story after story in His own Word about the consequences of doing it ANY other way! His was is not cultural, time-bound, or old-fashioned. We have believed so since we first starting walking the rotating ball - to our collective detriment. Sorry Lady Gaga. You may have artistic talent. You haven't a clue what the special gift of sexuality was meant to be. And your "contributions" sadly will produce more long-term heart break not less, more gravel fewer diamonds.
Finally, those of you whose heads might be exploding at this old fashioned post by me, ask yourself this, which is more common in nature, gravel or diamonds? Which is more valuable? Diamonds are rare. Created over long periods of time, under great pressure. And their value is based upon how rare they are - NOT how common! More sex, in different ways, with different people will not increase the value of sex. To the contrary it diminishes the value of sex, and more tragically, the lives of the people splashing around in it. Really! - Just ask Marilyn Monroe, or Demi Moore. They were/are liberated aren't' they. How is that working out?
One more reason I am proud to be an Eagle! So here's to first kisses done right, romance begun when it can be handled with at least a glimpse of emotional maturity (at say 17, 18 or beyond), modest dress (dad's, what the heck are you thinking sending your daughter's out with their panties on display), and heart-lifting, person affirming sex based on the manufacturer's instructions (versus some cheap knock-off, at 17 or 57).
Romance at LCHS by Peter Dahlstrom (appeared January 1, 2010, in the Reflections magazine)
Thanks Mr. Dahlstrom for having the courage to educate about one of life's important matters.
I am proud of LCHS. The letter shows a sense about youthful romance, which is going to happen, sometimes setting the stage for relationship patterns the rest of one's life (more often than not it seems those patterns are negative, unproductive ones). The discussion in the posting, including the piece of a letter sent to young people who appear to have an interest in each other, exhibits an unapologetic balance, sorely needed in our culture - including the Body of Christ.
Sex is real. God created it, and intends a special mind and heart boggling purpose for it, in a specific context. He loves us enough to provide story after story in His own Word about the consequences of doing it ANY other way! His was is not cultural, time-bound, or old-fashioned. We have believed so since we first starting walking the rotating ball - to our collective detriment. Sorry Lady Gaga. You may have artistic talent. You haven't a clue what the special gift of sexuality was meant to be. And your "contributions" sadly will produce more long-term heart break not less, more gravel fewer diamonds.
Finally, those of you whose heads might be exploding at this old fashioned post by me, ask yourself this, which is more common in nature, gravel or diamonds? Which is more valuable? Diamonds are rare. Created over long periods of time, under great pressure. And their value is based upon how rare they are - NOT how common! More sex, in different ways, with different people will not increase the value of sex. To the contrary it diminishes the value of sex, and more tragically, the lives of the people splashing around in it. Really! - Just ask Marilyn Monroe, or Demi Moore. They were/are liberated aren't' they. How is that working out?
One more reason I am proud to be an Eagle! So here's to first kisses done right, romance begun when it can be handled with at least a glimpse of emotional maturity (at say 17, 18 or beyond), modest dress (dad's, what the heck are you thinking sending your daughter's out with their panties on display), and heart-lifting, person affirming sex based on the manufacturer's instructions (versus some cheap knock-off, at 17 or 57).
Romance at LCHS by Peter Dahlstrom (appeared January 1, 2010, in the Reflections magazine)
Romance has always been a part of coeducational school life. When you put boys and girls together, there is going to be romance. Sometimes it can be a huge problem. Distraction. Impropriety. Jealousy. Tears. Threats. Fights. Absenteeism. Truancy. The list of symptoms can be long. In some schools, these problems rank in the top 5 of discipline incidents. This is not the case at LCS. Because of the good character of our students, and the good parenting that prevails, the example set by our faculty and staff, the spiritual training and encouragement the students receive every day, and the high standards that the school’s policies support, all of our discipline issues are atypical for American schools today. The environment is actually very retro, like say to 1930’s/40’s, as far as behavior, respect, and a fun, friendly atmosphere. And teenage romance is included. The total absence or rarity at LCS of school violence, vulgarity, drugs/alcohol, and ludeness/promiscuity are remarkable to all who know about 21st century American schools, unbelievable to some.
But romance is alive. Every culture approaches romance and its adolescents in its own way. Some have arranged marriages, with no dating or individual choice permitted. One Christian sect practices “bundling”, actually sewing a girl and a boy into separate sacks and putting them in bed together to get acquainted socially and romantically. (Experience has proven that this method is not 100% effective.) Other societies require chaperones to accompany all couples on dates. Many parents set their own family rules. Minimum ages. Curfews. Double-dating only. Approved activities and locations. Now parents can even activate a GPS locator function on the smart phones, know where the dating couple is all the time. (Or at least where the phone is!) All of these strategies have their merits and failings. But what is the best way to handle teenage romance between Christian boys and girls?
The best way is personal responsibility based on a willingness to live and act in submission to God’s will and the wishes of their parents. The world laughs at such a suggestion. But I see it taking place here every day, every year. I would say that as junior highs and high schools go, we have fewer ongoing romances than most. I think that because of the small class size, constant companionships in activities, and the daily spiritual emphasis, with the same teachers year after year, a family atmosphere develops. Nobody wants to date their sister or brother! And many of them are such good friends, that they don’t consider dating one another or becoming romantically involved. Very often these special friendships form when a new, “eligible” student enrolls. But they are all fun to watch, especially when they handle them so well. And most of them do, which always reinforces my conviction that it can be done well, with modesty and respect and wholesomeness. It is a sad commentary that most people believe that it can’t be done. It is really a denial that this great gift from God, this normal, mysterious, exciting romantic love, can’t be received and enjoyed by young people, (and old people), within His will.
I have a form letter that I privately hand deliver to couples that sometimes need a gentle reminder about our PDA policy, Public Display of Affection. Here is an excerpt.
“It is important to me that people think the right things about both of you and about the school. It is a sad thing today that in our society people assume the worst about a couple when they see that they have a romantic and physical attraction. I do not think that about you two. We have a policy that says couples are not to show affection openly in any physical way. It is a good policy for many reasons. It is not to imply anything bad about anyone’s motives or character. I have not seen you do anything that I would consider improper or sinful but your feelings for each other are too obvious with the constant and regular hand holding and hugging, the occasional snuggle or perhaps even the stolen kiss on the cheek. I don’t think these are silly or juvenile. They are natural and special in their proper time and place. But please don’t do these things on campus, either in the halls or in class or chapel. Some people are immediately offended by these things, younger children cannot understand them and may be confused or misled by them, and school is just not a good place for them.”
I do not average using this letter once a year. It has always been well received. I have never had to go to the next step of contacting parents. This is responsibility at its best. Is it a struggle for Christian young people to handle this wonderful gift, the “love of touch”? Of course! Wasn’t it for you and me? But our message in Bible classes and chapels at LCS is that it is not impossible, that Satan and much of contemporary culture are constantly lying to them when they say, “Love is lust. Genuine affection and romantic love must to lead to lust and promiscuity.” I am not so naïve as to think that our kids never fail in this struggle. I know that they have at times through the years, and it is always sad. But is it not unforgivable and not insurmountable. And it is not the norm. A sweet, self-disciplined, high school romance, in a wholesome environment, can be a beautiful memory and great preparation for serious relationships in later years. LCHS has had numerous, happy, successful Christian marriages grow out of these school romances. And that’s not such a bad thing, is it? I personally know that this was one clear intention of the founders of many Christian colleges and universities, to create an environment in which Christian young men and women could find each other, fall in love, and marry for life. I cannot criticize that motive.
Now don’t worry. We do not promote romance at LCHS. But we don’t police it or harass it. We start from a position of trust, expecting the best and not the worst. We have curriculum that promotes chastity, celibacy till marriage, and gives specific advice and strategies to young people about how to successfully be “in love” and still honor God and Christ. Most of all we encourage them this has been done, that it is done, all the time, with God’s help, and that they can do it. The rewards for obeying God in this great gift will be enormous, to themselves, the church, the country, and the world.
Thanks Mr. Dahlstrom for having the courage to educate about one of life's important matters.
Monday, January 16, 2012
The VERY Low Bar of the Law
Over the past decade a dizzying number of scandals (for lack of a better term) have become public, the most recent the Penn State/Jerry Sandusky child molestation debacle. Before someone's head explodes, I understand the legal process has not played out. The presumption in this country is asserted to be innocent until proved guilty. However, the point of this piece is not guilt or innocence, rather, an issue I want to suggest is more serious. Yes, I said more serious (than guilt or innocence).
There is a problematic myth now pervasive in America, and perhaps around the world which is likely at the root of why these problems continue to occur. Frankly, I'd like to suggest for consideration, such tragic misadventures will increase in number, scope and magnitude if we do not quit confusing the "symptoms" with the "problem." The myth which has become truth (though false) is that the law (American civil and criminal statutes) represents a high bar for personal conduct. NOTHING could be further from the truth. Viewed even slightly objectively, the law presents a very low standard of conduct (unless perhaps one is in the vast majority of attorneys who need the myth to justify the most common manner of practicing law in America).
Consider the following example. While on two different advisory committees to organizations, the issue of background checks was raised. The organizations, supposedly concerned about children as they were kid activity organizations, were investigating their background check procedures. The first, whether it needed them, the second, how to reduce the cost of conducting them.
Frankly, the necessity of the questions is troubling enough. It has not been that long ago when the vast, vast, majority of people were what and who they appeared to be. Regardless, consider how the second discussion proceeded. The organization wondered if such checks could be done for less than the $2.00 per background check they were currently paying. After all, they considered a great many applicants and the cost of such checks was beginning to be quite a sum. Was that sum a good business decision we were being asked to discuss? If so, might there be a less expensive manner for achieving such information. Having worked at point point five years as an HR consultant who had occasion to visit with another consultant (Imperative Information) who focused on and provided effective, accurate background checks, I was aware that cheap web-based background checks, such as those used by the organization on whose advisory committee I served, should barely be allowed to be called background checks. Research by Imperative had shown for example that the data base used by background check companies regarding the Texas Department of Corrections was incorrect almost 50% of the time. In fact, the woman, Darlie Routier (sp) who was accused of taking the life of her two young sons was on Death Row for almost two years before her conviction even appeared in the TDC data base. As such, she could have turned in an employment application, or volunteer application at a child care agency for two years without them knowing she was a convicted murderer.
Here, however, the low bar of the law reared it's unmistakable head. When I provided this information, asking, "If we are only spending $2.00 per check, why are we looking to lower the cost further, rather than asking whether we are wasting $2.00 on information that is quite likely of little value and may even be misleading at best?" Immediately, a highly regarded employment law attorney also on the committee spoke up. "Bart, you do not understand, regardless of potential errors, we do not have increased risk here because we are meeting the industry standard as measured against or peer organizations." Folks, this man is a fine, if professionally deluded fellow. A leader in his church, the community and his profession. And his concern is the industry standard? Are you kidding me? He went on to discuss ad naseum how our "risk" would be determined by whether what we were doing (a $2.00 per check) was consistent with what other organizations who dealt with children were doing, rather than whether a child had been molested or abused by someone who the organization have only determined to have such a past record at great expense. Expense to who? How expensive might it be to a child to be abused, or slain?
So, despite his many generous acts, which remain generous, the defense "I wanted to make sure I did not violate Penn State processes in doing something incorrect. So I reported the matter to my superiors" is supposed to be taken of him doing what was necessary? His superiors are being defended by a number of quarters with the defense they did all the law required? And that's okay with us collectively? If the highest bar in Joe Pa, or his superior's life is Penn State procedures and their violation their standard are LOW - period.
Many business people defended Arthur Anderson in the Enron scandal, which cost countless individuals their retirement savings by saying, "They were in a tough spot, Enron's leaders who their clients." And so, if a client want's one to break the law and abuse others, the fact that it's a "tough spot" or "going to cost money" means we go along. Too many times today the answer is, "Yes."
Wake up America!!!!!! The law is a low bar. it always has been, it always will be. Should it have taken a change in the law to eliminate segregation? Should I only drive responsibly and courteously because it's the law? Should I continuosly haggle with my children's mother without remorse so long as "I don't violate a divorce decree"? Should I only comply with the terms of a contract because it I do not I will get sued? Come on "adult" America. Let's get our heads out of our collective rear-end.
And, again, before someone over reacts, I am not urging rushing to judgment without appropriate due process. However, I am arguing against the insanity of "risk management" that is nothing other than covering our selfish, scared butts masequerading as healthly living because it's been accepted as the standard (a very low standard).
Let's make this even simpler. How is "risk management" working for us? At Penn State? Texas Tech (where the Board, the coach, and a parent - who thinks someone would elect him for public office, demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt they possessed very little integrity between them combined)? Enron? Tyco? Adelphia? Arthur Anderson Accounting? The Catholic Church? Bernie Madoff (for years)? Athletes who acknowledge after the fact they broke the rules, "Like everyone else?" And the list could go on and on. Have we forgotten the age old story of the Emporeor's New Clothes. YES. The legal profession has lead us to believe - and we let them - that the Emporeor (known as our behavior) has new clothes. The law will protect us from us! Really? No it won't nor has it ever. The law is, at best, an incredibly low bar, which seldom compels human behavior to any signficant degree (it's a character, spiritual issue, whether we collectively want to face it or not). And to allow oneself to be lead to believe that, especially by individuals who have a vested interest in us believing that something else, is NUTS! And the running scared because we/I might get sued frenzy that is now America is concrete evidence. Further, it is idiotic to think that at some point we will have "enough" risk management. No - more of the same will simply produce more of the same. At some point, we will either be driven out of any semblance of an ability to live in community or we will say, one individual at a time, I will take the risk that I cannot control others, I can control me, and I will do the right thing regardless of the cost.
BTW - Do I hate attorneys? No. No more than I hate other people, which I do not. However, I know too many attorneys not to recognize that each of them, like me, are human. Further, any enterprise where big dollars and humans mix there will potential manipulation for gain (and, though I am absolutely in favor of the free market system, I am not so naive as to be blinded to some of its weak spots). I know a number of fine, fine attorneys. In fact some of the small percentage who are willing to acknowledge the law as a particularly low bar.
What I have the "right" to do and what might be right to do are in my experience NOT the same thing. Have your legal rights replaced what is right for you to do? If so, I hope your son or daughter does not encounter some instituation whose rights exceed those of your child's. If so, my heart will go out to your child, and I would simply say to you, I am sorry but you've/we've just experienced first hand exactly the world we have chosen.
Don't all of us want more than that?
There is a problematic myth now pervasive in America, and perhaps around the world which is likely at the root of why these problems continue to occur. Frankly, I'd like to suggest for consideration, such tragic misadventures will increase in number, scope and magnitude if we do not quit confusing the "symptoms" with the "problem." The myth which has become truth (though false) is that the law (American civil and criminal statutes) represents a high bar for personal conduct. NOTHING could be further from the truth. Viewed even slightly objectively, the law presents a very low standard of conduct (unless perhaps one is in the vast majority of attorneys who need the myth to justify the most common manner of practicing law in America).
Consider the following example. While on two different advisory committees to organizations, the issue of background checks was raised. The organizations, supposedly concerned about children as they were kid activity organizations, were investigating their background check procedures. The first, whether it needed them, the second, how to reduce the cost of conducting them.
Frankly, the necessity of the questions is troubling enough. It has not been that long ago when the vast, vast, majority of people were what and who they appeared to be. Regardless, consider how the second discussion proceeded. The organization wondered if such checks could be done for less than the $2.00 per background check they were currently paying. After all, they considered a great many applicants and the cost of such checks was beginning to be quite a sum. Was that sum a good business decision we were being asked to discuss? If so, might there be a less expensive manner for achieving such information. Having worked at point point five years as an HR consultant who had occasion to visit with another consultant (Imperative Information) who focused on and provided effective, accurate background checks, I was aware that cheap web-based background checks, such as those used by the organization on whose advisory committee I served, should barely be allowed to be called background checks. Research by Imperative had shown for example that the data base used by background check companies regarding the Texas Department of Corrections was incorrect almost 50% of the time. In fact, the woman, Darlie Routier (sp) who was accused of taking the life of her two young sons was on Death Row for almost two years before her conviction even appeared in the TDC data base. As such, she could have turned in an employment application, or volunteer application at a child care agency for two years without them knowing she was a convicted murderer.
Here, however, the low bar of the law reared it's unmistakable head. When I provided this information, asking, "If we are only spending $2.00 per check, why are we looking to lower the cost further, rather than asking whether we are wasting $2.00 on information that is quite likely of little value and may even be misleading at best?" Immediately, a highly regarded employment law attorney also on the committee spoke up. "Bart, you do not understand, regardless of potential errors, we do not have increased risk here because we are meeting the industry standard as measured against or peer organizations." Folks, this man is a fine, if professionally deluded fellow. A leader in his church, the community and his profession. And his concern is the industry standard? Are you kidding me? He went on to discuss ad naseum how our "risk" would be determined by whether what we were doing (a $2.00 per check) was consistent with what other organizations who dealt with children were doing, rather than whether a child had been molested or abused by someone who the organization have only determined to have such a past record at great expense. Expense to who? How expensive might it be to a child to be abused, or slain?
So, despite his many generous acts, which remain generous, the defense "I wanted to make sure I did not violate Penn State processes in doing something incorrect. So I reported the matter to my superiors" is supposed to be taken of him doing what was necessary? His superiors are being defended by a number of quarters with the defense they did all the law required? And that's okay with us collectively? If the highest bar in Joe Pa, or his superior's life is Penn State procedures and their violation their standard are LOW - period.
Many business people defended Arthur Anderson in the Enron scandal, which cost countless individuals their retirement savings by saying, "They were in a tough spot, Enron's leaders who their clients." And so, if a client want's one to break the law and abuse others, the fact that it's a "tough spot" or "going to cost money" means we go along. Too many times today the answer is, "Yes."
Wake up America!!!!!! The law is a low bar. it always has been, it always will be. Should it have taken a change in the law to eliminate segregation? Should I only drive responsibly and courteously because it's the law? Should I continuosly haggle with my children's mother without remorse so long as "I don't violate a divorce decree"? Should I only comply with the terms of a contract because it I do not I will get sued? Come on "adult" America. Let's get our heads out of our collective rear-end.
And, again, before someone over reacts, I am not urging rushing to judgment without appropriate due process. However, I am arguing against the insanity of "risk management" that is nothing other than covering our selfish, scared butts masequerading as healthly living because it's been accepted as the standard (a very low standard).
Let's make this even simpler. How is "risk management" working for us? At Penn State? Texas Tech (where the Board, the coach, and a parent - who thinks someone would elect him for public office, demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt they possessed very little integrity between them combined)? Enron? Tyco? Adelphia? Arthur Anderson Accounting? The Catholic Church? Bernie Madoff (for years)? Athletes who acknowledge after the fact they broke the rules, "Like everyone else?" And the list could go on and on. Have we forgotten the age old story of the Emporeor's New Clothes. YES. The legal profession has lead us to believe - and we let them - that the Emporeor (known as our behavior) has new clothes. The law will protect us from us! Really? No it won't nor has it ever. The law is, at best, an incredibly low bar, which seldom compels human behavior to any signficant degree (it's a character, spiritual issue, whether we collectively want to face it or not). And to allow oneself to be lead to believe that, especially by individuals who have a vested interest in us believing that something else, is NUTS! And the running scared because we/I might get sued frenzy that is now America is concrete evidence. Further, it is idiotic to think that at some point we will have "enough" risk management. No - more of the same will simply produce more of the same. At some point, we will either be driven out of any semblance of an ability to live in community or we will say, one individual at a time, I will take the risk that I cannot control others, I can control me, and I will do the right thing regardless of the cost.
BTW - Do I hate attorneys? No. No more than I hate other people, which I do not. However, I know too many attorneys not to recognize that each of them, like me, are human. Further, any enterprise where big dollars and humans mix there will potential manipulation for gain (and, though I am absolutely in favor of the free market system, I am not so naive as to be blinded to some of its weak spots). I know a number of fine, fine attorneys. In fact some of the small percentage who are willing to acknowledge the law as a particularly low bar.
What I have the "right" to do and what might be right to do are in my experience NOT the same thing. Have your legal rights replaced what is right for you to do? If so, I hope your son or daughter does not encounter some instituation whose rights exceed those of your child's. If so, my heart will go out to your child, and I would simply say to you, I am sorry but you've/we've just experienced first hand exactly the world we have chosen.
Don't all of us want more than that?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
He Was Right - Would Not Trade
The day after my wife and I separated, the precursor to a divorce, I encountered a man at church I knew casually. I explained to him how helpful something he had said at a recovery meeting just days before had been. He thanked me. He then made an assertion, which I believed at the time to be nuts. He said, "If I could get back what I had but to do so would have to give back what I have now in terms of knowing God, myself, and others, I would not make that trade." As I said, I thought he was nuts. He was not.
Today, I can say with sincerity I have never had greater clarity about who I can be absent God's love and leading. I can accept responsibility for a dark story that began with an ill-advised relationship in college, destroyed two marriages and has left my children living the painful double life of divorce (my prideful, foolish generation's gift to the country). Because of God's love, and that of others, including though by no means limited to Ken & Shirley (my parents), Janna and Kendra (my dear sisters), Bart Hamilton and Bart Kunkel (my brothers-in-law), Kellie Stockton (my former spouse), Bryan Duncan (my mentor and friend at Celebration Fellowship), James Reeves (the pastor at Celebration who first, along with Kellie, really kicked my behind), Steve Mack, Steve Eldridge, Mark Love and Brent Matthews (four finer friends a man could not have) - and many others, I know that the dark story does not define me, unless I choose to allow it to do so.
I feel lighter than air having experienced grace at the most practical level, life with Godly people who know the secrets and have said repeatedly, "We love you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You didn't get here overnight, you won't get to a new place overnight. However, God will reward the effort to change along the way." He has. In spades, as the expression goes.
My buddy? His comment about the trade? Dead on. I was fortunate to live life with Kellie Stockton for almost 15 years. I know she too wants to know the Father's heart. Wish I had done so many things differently to nourish that desire in her rather than obstruct it. Woulda, coulda, shoulda - didn't. On we both go, literally in God's grace.
Me, though so difficult for three innocent children, I am another who would not make the trade. God will watch over Kellie, Ashton, Alexys and Andrew and show me how to be a godly friend, and effective father in the situation we provided Him to work with. That's what He does; make things new. I do not make the comment lightly. I wish it could have been otherwise. I was too hard-hearted, prideful and selfish. One more reason to look out the windshield and not the rear view!
Here's a hint. Don't wait and be forced to consider the trade. Love those in your life TODAY. Nourish their vulnerabilities. Be honored they have shared them with you. Let God show you how to navigate the challenges of life as you go.
Today, I can say with sincerity I have never had greater clarity about who I can be absent God's love and leading. I can accept responsibility for a dark story that began with an ill-advised relationship in college, destroyed two marriages and has left my children living the painful double life of divorce (my prideful, foolish generation's gift to the country). Because of God's love, and that of others, including though by no means limited to Ken & Shirley (my parents), Janna and Kendra (my dear sisters), Bart Hamilton and Bart Kunkel (my brothers-in-law), Kellie Stockton (my former spouse), Bryan Duncan (my mentor and friend at Celebration Fellowship), James Reeves (the pastor at Celebration who first, along with Kellie, really kicked my behind), Steve Mack, Steve Eldridge, Mark Love and Brent Matthews (four finer friends a man could not have) - and many others, I know that the dark story does not define me, unless I choose to allow it to do so.
I feel lighter than air having experienced grace at the most practical level, life with Godly people who know the secrets and have said repeatedly, "We love you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You didn't get here overnight, you won't get to a new place overnight. However, God will reward the effort to change along the way." He has. In spades, as the expression goes.
My buddy? His comment about the trade? Dead on. I was fortunate to live life with Kellie Stockton for almost 15 years. I know she too wants to know the Father's heart. Wish I had done so many things differently to nourish that desire in her rather than obstruct it. Woulda, coulda, shoulda - didn't. On we both go, literally in God's grace.
Me, though so difficult for three innocent children, I am another who would not make the trade. God will watch over Kellie, Ashton, Alexys and Andrew and show me how to be a godly friend, and effective father in the situation we provided Him to work with. That's what He does; make things new. I do not make the comment lightly. I wish it could have been otherwise. I was too hard-hearted, prideful and selfish. One more reason to look out the windshield and not the rear view!
Here's a hint. Don't wait and be forced to consider the trade. Love those in your life TODAY. Nourish their vulnerabilities. Be honored they have shared them with you. Let God show you how to navigate the challenges of life as you go.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Gratitude - Counting Blessings
I grew up with a hymn titled, "Count Your Many Blessings." I remember loving the sound of the melody as my mother's soprano voice sang the words. With some sadness I must admit I took lightly the lyrics of the powerful hymn.
How quickly would you be able to list 100 blessings God has provided to you?
If your perspective was like mine, until I lost some very important things (and it does not appear the losses are finished), you might respond with something such as, "Life has been hard, I don't think I have 100," "Well the breaks haven't gone my way, so not sure I could get to 100," or "Others have been blessed far more." Each well-intended but sharing the same attributes lame, weak and self-absorbed.
Consider this as you begin the journey to 100. Start simple. Did you eat one or more meals today? Not, did you eat what you wanted, or as much as you wanted, did you eat period? If so, you have your first of the 100. Really? A meal is a blessing? Come on Bart, that's not a blessing it happens every day. Not for everyone. According the stopthehunger.com 25,981 people died of hunger TODAY around the world, many of the children.
Curious, you dress the morning? Same clothes as yesterday or did you choose something different? Really? do you know how many people wore the same thing they have been wearing for many days, if they have good clothes at all?
What's the point Bart. Okay, so there are poor people. Well, if you are not one of them, are you thankful - daily. I wasn't. I believed things like meals, clothes, books, computers, friends, family, laughter, health, my sweet spouse's smile, my kids' hugs and God's love were things I deserved - tonight some of them are absent and I know different.
Know what? I bet you and I have 1000 tangible blessings. I challenge you, and me, to begin actually counting them. We do such things at work. We count things because we believe they are valuable enough to count. Yet, and for reasons that are both common and weak, we do not count those things that are most important. And, guess what happened to me? Before long, I lost track of how important they were AND begin treating them that way. Before you lose something of great value to you - start counting - and never stop.
How quickly would you be able to list 100 blessings God has provided to you?
If your perspective was like mine, until I lost some very important things (and it does not appear the losses are finished), you might respond with something such as, "Life has been hard, I don't think I have 100," "Well the breaks haven't gone my way, so not sure I could get to 100," or "Others have been blessed far more." Each well-intended but sharing the same attributes lame, weak and self-absorbed.
Consider this as you begin the journey to 100. Start simple. Did you eat one or more meals today? Not, did you eat what you wanted, or as much as you wanted, did you eat period? If so, you have your first of the 100. Really? A meal is a blessing? Come on Bart, that's not a blessing it happens every day. Not for everyone. According the stopthehunger.com 25,981 people died of hunger TODAY around the world, many of the children.
Curious, you dress the morning? Same clothes as yesterday or did you choose something different? Really? do you know how many people wore the same thing they have been wearing for many days, if they have good clothes at all?
What's the point Bart. Okay, so there are poor people. Well, if you are not one of them, are you thankful - daily. I wasn't. I believed things like meals, clothes, books, computers, friends, family, laughter, health, my sweet spouse's smile, my kids' hugs and God's love were things I deserved - tonight some of them are absent and I know different.
Know what? I bet you and I have 1000 tangible blessings. I challenge you, and me, to begin actually counting them. We do such things at work. We count things because we believe they are valuable enough to count. Yet, and for reasons that are both common and weak, we do not count those things that are most important. And, guess what happened to me? Before long, I lost track of how important they were AND begin treating them that way. Before you lose something of great value to you - start counting - and never stop.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friends and My Best Interest
During this period of transition, wherever it winds up, God has made clear to me both a blessing and a truth.
He has made unmistakably clear the truth that real friends are those willing to speak truth to me. Hopefully in love but even bluntly and not so lovingly presented, the truth is the truth. And, individuals who really love me, love me enough to tell me what I need to hear, whether I like it or choose to hear it. Further, they are well adjusted and don't need my approval of that truth, my affirmation of them, or my acceptance of them to be okay with sharing it with me. And what is one of the principle messages they have delivered over this most interesting summer and now fall? "Bart, brother, your feelings should be viewed either very cautiously, or discounted entirely. Adults have feelings, yet make few decisions, and virtually NO important ones (especially if they involve others) based on feelings." As one commented recently, "Nothing will lead a person asserting to follow Christ out of God's will for him/her quicker than his/her feelings."
So thank you to my friends, old and new, who continue to love me enough to speak truth to me (regardless of my feelings about that truth), and to the God who has pursued me relentlessly for over 30 years and whom I am now hearing through those friends. Though upcoming chapters of life my not turn out as I had hoped, the truth will serve me well both now and in the future, regardless of circumstance.
The blessing God has opened my eyes to is how blessed I am to have friends who speak truth. Sadly, I watch as one dearest to me remains exclusively in the counsel of individuals who, perhaps because of their own failings (who knows) simply blow smoke at her, affirming what she wants to hear. It is painful to observe.
In times past, I have isolated myself from dear friends. Why? Quite simply because I knew individuals like Steve Mack, Phil Petty, Jeff Lucas, Ken Castle, Brent Matthews, Mark Love, Bill Minick, Bryan Duncan, James Reeves and countless others would not put up with my foolish notions or whining about my feelings. Each would, and in most cases has, shared from their heart what they knew would best serve me - even when it was hard for them to impart.
As a new day unfolds in life, I am a blessed man. Thank more of you than I can count for your genuine love for me, even when that love was inconvenient for you. Thank you for hard words, delivered at the appropriate time and in ways that even my hard head could hear.
Friends don't let friends live life absorbed in their feelings!
He has made unmistakably clear the truth that real friends are those willing to speak truth to me. Hopefully in love but even bluntly and not so lovingly presented, the truth is the truth. And, individuals who really love me, love me enough to tell me what I need to hear, whether I like it or choose to hear it. Further, they are well adjusted and don't need my approval of that truth, my affirmation of them, or my acceptance of them to be okay with sharing it with me. And what is one of the principle messages they have delivered over this most interesting summer and now fall? "Bart, brother, your feelings should be viewed either very cautiously, or discounted entirely. Adults have feelings, yet make few decisions, and virtually NO important ones (especially if they involve others) based on feelings." As one commented recently, "Nothing will lead a person asserting to follow Christ out of God's will for him/her quicker than his/her feelings."
So thank you to my friends, old and new, who continue to love me enough to speak truth to me (regardless of my feelings about that truth), and to the God who has pursued me relentlessly for over 30 years and whom I am now hearing through those friends. Though upcoming chapters of life my not turn out as I had hoped, the truth will serve me well both now and in the future, regardless of circumstance.
The blessing God has opened my eyes to is how blessed I am to have friends who speak truth. Sadly, I watch as one dearest to me remains exclusively in the counsel of individuals who, perhaps because of their own failings (who knows) simply blow smoke at her, affirming what she wants to hear. It is painful to observe.
In times past, I have isolated myself from dear friends. Why? Quite simply because I knew individuals like Steve Mack, Phil Petty, Jeff Lucas, Ken Castle, Brent Matthews, Mark Love, Bill Minick, Bryan Duncan, James Reeves and countless others would not put up with my foolish notions or whining about my feelings. Each would, and in most cases has, shared from their heart what they knew would best serve me - even when it was hard for them to impart.
As a new day unfolds in life, I am a blessed man. Thank more of you than I can count for your genuine love for me, even when that love was inconvenient for you. Thank you for hard words, delivered at the appropriate time and in ways that even my hard head could hear.
Friends don't let friends live life absorbed in their feelings!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Our Temporary Home
The lyrics to songs often speak to me in ways few other things can. I know. Such a manly admission. Hey - I didn't name an artist. So those of you who thought it was someone sappy . . . well you might have been right depending upon the song. I do like Josh Groban. He will make the bulky among you gag probably. Deal with it.
Seriously, there have been many occasions in life when songs seemed to reach me in ways few other things have been able to.
Last night, saddened by returning my children to their other half-home (mom's house), not because I do not want them to enjoy her love, rather because I am saddened they now must enjoy physically her's or mine, not both, I heard a song which brought tears to my heart. I cried both because I was sad at the new reality of my life absent my family and because the lyrics of the song were hopeful at the same time.
Sad and hopeful in the same song? Yes. The reality of life in a fallen world for anyone who is a believer.
The tune is one recorded by the country star, Carrie Underwood, "Temporary Home." It's words describe three hard scenarios; a child moving from foster home to foster home, a single mother in a shelter and a man, surrounded by loved ones, who knows he is experiencing his last breaths on this side of eternity. Each scenario spoke to me. I was fortunate to have a father and mother, so loving, that I experienced the joy of foster brothers and sisters on almost a dozen occasions as a child. Our home was a haven for little boys and girls who had been spit out by the storms of this life. And, our home was in each case, their "temporary home." My children now live in a home with a single mom. Regardless of how she got there recent events suggest she's finding it less the fairy tale than she imagined. And, the challenges it presents on the way to some new man, will roll down to Ashton, Alexys and Andrew. I ask God's prayer that they understand, this life, with this bitter pill is only, their "temporary home." Finally, in those moments when I allow anxiety over the uncertainties of this new life to overwhelm me with a range of emotions (up until recently almost all negative), I hope the Holy Spirit will remind me that one day I may be that old man. Surrounded by those who love me, I will look into the imperfect eyes of each for the last time and be struck by how quickly our lives here together have passed, how insignificant many of the things I worried about were and how wonderful it will be to see each of those sets of eyes perfected one day in heaven. After all, our time together up to that moment will all have been spent here and this is only our "temporary home."
Do you realize that fact? Would a stranger describe the actions of your life today and say, "It's clear from his or her actions and reactions that he or she recognizes clearly this is a "temporary home?'" Really? When your child of any age chooses something today you'd rather he or she didn't, will your response to the action demonstrate that the moment is a stop, "On the way to where we are goin'?" If you are blessed to be married or in a significant relationship and a disagreement occurs, would a stranger observing your response sense that your love for the other person was based upon the reality that this is your "temporary home" together and the goal is a more permanent one? If the answer to either is, or ever has been "No," as mine so often was - it's not to late to change those observations.
Whether you life country music or Carrie Underwood, allow these words to wash over you. Allow them to change the way you see the rest of today and tomorrow if God provides one. It will be over quickly, though sometimes it feels otherwise. No matter the hardship remember, believers in the one who has built a home for you that will last after the light of the stars has been extinguished, "Windows and rooms, we're just passing through, this is our temporary home . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if7CZF_ycWQ
Thanks to the songwriter, Ms. Underwood and the creator of this YouTube video for being used to touch me.
Seriously, there have been many occasions in life when songs seemed to reach me in ways few other things have been able to.
Last night, saddened by returning my children to their other half-home (mom's house), not because I do not want them to enjoy her love, rather because I am saddened they now must enjoy physically her's or mine, not both, I heard a song which brought tears to my heart. I cried both because I was sad at the new reality of my life absent my family and because the lyrics of the song were hopeful at the same time.
Sad and hopeful in the same song? Yes. The reality of life in a fallen world for anyone who is a believer.
The tune is one recorded by the country star, Carrie Underwood, "Temporary Home." It's words describe three hard scenarios; a child moving from foster home to foster home, a single mother in a shelter and a man, surrounded by loved ones, who knows he is experiencing his last breaths on this side of eternity. Each scenario spoke to me. I was fortunate to have a father and mother, so loving, that I experienced the joy of foster brothers and sisters on almost a dozen occasions as a child. Our home was a haven for little boys and girls who had been spit out by the storms of this life. And, our home was in each case, their "temporary home." My children now live in a home with a single mom. Regardless of how she got there recent events suggest she's finding it less the fairy tale than she imagined. And, the challenges it presents on the way to some new man, will roll down to Ashton, Alexys and Andrew. I ask God's prayer that they understand, this life, with this bitter pill is only, their "temporary home." Finally, in those moments when I allow anxiety over the uncertainties of this new life to overwhelm me with a range of emotions (up until recently almost all negative), I hope the Holy Spirit will remind me that one day I may be that old man. Surrounded by those who love me, I will look into the imperfect eyes of each for the last time and be struck by how quickly our lives here together have passed, how insignificant many of the things I worried about were and how wonderful it will be to see each of those sets of eyes perfected one day in heaven. After all, our time together up to that moment will all have been spent here and this is only our "temporary home."
Do you realize that fact? Would a stranger describe the actions of your life today and say, "It's clear from his or her actions and reactions that he or she recognizes clearly this is a "temporary home?'" Really? When your child of any age chooses something today you'd rather he or she didn't, will your response to the action demonstrate that the moment is a stop, "On the way to where we are goin'?" If you are blessed to be married or in a significant relationship and a disagreement occurs, would a stranger observing your response sense that your love for the other person was based upon the reality that this is your "temporary home" together and the goal is a more permanent one? If the answer to either is, or ever has been "No," as mine so often was - it's not to late to change those observations.
Whether you life country music or Carrie Underwood, allow these words to wash over you. Allow them to change the way you see the rest of today and tomorrow if God provides one. It will be over quickly, though sometimes it feels otherwise. No matter the hardship remember, believers in the one who has built a home for you that will last after the light of the stars has been extinguished, "Windows and rooms, we're just passing through, this is our temporary home . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if7CZF_ycWQ
Thanks to the songwriter, Ms. Underwood and the creator of this YouTube video for being used to touch me.
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