Dog Training and Connection

Today, on the radio program, New Life Live, hosted by author Steve Arterburn , along with Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Sheri Denham a fascinating point was made by Cloud.

Cloud, co-author, along with Dr. John Townsend of the powerful, "Boundaries" series noted that recently his family had a young puppy that they believed needed training. The decision was based upon the puppy's breed, Rottweiler/Doberman mix (talk about doggie fire-power). The trainer came in and watched the dog briefly interact with the family. Almost immediately, the trainer noted it was significant that the dog, though just a puppy, did not make eye contact with family members. Instead the pup was constantly scanning the landscape. The trainer commented, "That's bad. That's predator behavior, which we have to fix by teaching the puppy how to connect with each of you."

Incredulous, the family ask how that could be done. For the following week the family was to carry treats in their pockets and any time the puppy made eye contact, and held it, he got a treat. Within a very short time, the predator behavior of failing to make connect was gone - because the young dog associated connection and treats.

What, pray tell, was that discussion doing on a call-in program about relationships? A great deal actually.

Cloud went on to talk briefly about the importance of eye contact between people who love each other (hey, it is Valentine's Day), in developing connection - the glue of lasting, mutually satisfying relationships. He asked the humorous question, "In your relationship, does your partner get "treats" if he or she uses eye contact and works to build connection? After laughing Arterburn and Denham asked, is it possible that the thing that damages the connections in your relationships (spouse, significant other, children, work, whatever) is the fact that when people you supposedly care about come into the room, you do not make sincere, lasting eye contact signaling their value to your and your desire to connect with them - instead you scan the room - as if there might be better options?

As I contemplated the notion further, I was reminded of those times I've felt least satisfied at parties, family gatherings, even church. It hit me. I was the problem (I know that will be a news flash to some of you who know me). As I scanned the room, like a politician who cares for no one and everyone to the extent his or her vote is still in play vote. The people I had barely connected with as I scanned the room felt deeply how little regard (or love) they were being shown. My eye communication said, "I am making sure I choose the best among you," or "I am available to to a future, better option should it occur (as opposed to fully engaged with you NOW)." Gracious, how many times had I pridefully dissed people right in front of me, my former spouses, my sweet kids, dear friends, or my family who has put up with my crap for 52 years. What a sad scary answer that turns out to be.

The Bible regularly comments, Old and New Testament about the notion of, "Seeing, yet not seeing." Dogs get it. Wow - why didn't I? Humans need that connection provided by sustained eye contact every bit, almost certainly more than Fido.

I was in the car literally 10 minutes before I had to get out. Thanks Henry for the guts to throw out that topic which got you lampooned initially (dogs and connections on Valentine's Day) . I will never look at Fido quite the same. More importantly, I hope I am more intentional about providing the "treat" of connection to those who I love and care deeply about, as well as those I am attempting to serve, or get to know. WAKE UP Bart!

BTW the way, to hear additional great ideas on relationships check out: www.newlife.com for a radio station in your area. After all, it isn't every Valentine's Day you get a hint about how to build love with a doggie biscuit!