Goodbye Little Ones, Know You Are Loved

This weekend was a bittersweet one for families around the country. Many colleges and universities begin classes on Monday and so after almost 20 years of well-intended, if not always perfectly executed attempts to parent, Dad and Mom loaded Junior (or his sister Juniorette) up and headed for college.

I remember last year my very large, formerly college football playing brother-in-law telling me about crying hard when he and my sister dropped off a second daughter to begin college, just as he had done with their eldest daughter. I was stunned. Other than a wry smile, didn't really know he had emotions (just joking big guy - please take your hands off my neck).

In all seriousness, regardless the pain required to get a child to the start of college, many friends have shared with great emotion the mix of happiness and sadness that goes with having a child reach early independence. "How did the years get by so quickly? Literally, I can remember Kindergarten Open House," one dear friend commented with much emotion several years ago as his eldest child left for college. "Bart, savor those years the kids are with you. Your lilfe and theirs will never be the same once you drive away from that curb leaving them at college."

Well, though not as I ever imagined, that day arrived for me today. As the end of this nightmare of a summer, and the end of my marriage apparently draw to a close and school begins tomorrow, my life and that of Ashton, Alexys and Andrew will likely never be the same again.

Ashton heads off to junior high, with all the anxiety we all felt in that situation. Alexys heads to fourth grade, concerned she might not remember all the Spanish she knew at the end of third grade. Andrew approaches second grade worried that he and his little buddy might talk too much and get in trouble. Underneath the typical childhood concerns, the sadness they felt at what they know will be the crap that goes with parents who are no longer together could be felt as we visited this afternoon before I drooped them off. There was really nothing I could say. The die has been cast and it takes two individuals to continue a marriage.

What do parents say at the curb of the dorm? "Do your best. We love you. We know you will do well." At least those parents can cry together as they pull away AND their child knows if he or she needs help, home is a single phone call - not two.

Three amazing kids and a new school year. As my estranged spouse starts to drink the cool-aid from who knows whom about attempting to reduce my role in the kids life - because she is still mad - I enjoyed a last few moments with the kids this afternoon and truly have NO idea what their lives, or mine, or hers will look like beginning tomorrow. I control a very, very small portion of that equation. Thankfully, God remains God and I am not (yes, there was a time when I seemed to have been confused).

This I know. NO kid should have a first day of school, or a drop off at the dorm occur with a single parent. Are you a man or woman whose marriage is in distress and you have kids? WAKE UP DAMN IT! Do whatever you need to do, while time permits, to get the healing God alone can provide to make certain when you say, "Goodbye Little Ones, Know WE Love You, have a good first day of whatever," he, she, or they get to hear it from you both. Don't be so selfish as to have one of you "winning" as you stand there proudly by yourself. There are no winners in such a drop-off only magnitudes of losers (whether both adults will admit it or not).

Ashton, Alexys and Andrew, you each deserved better. I was wrong to have been selfish and contributed greatly to this mess. Goodbye little ones, know I love you more than I imagined. Oh, how foolish I was not to see the forest for the trees.

God, I release them to you. Please give me wisdom to navigate this new path with grace, humility, love and respect for Kellie and gratitude for each moment, homework problem, school program and good night prayer I get to spend with these precious ones of yours prior to the actual day they leave our messed up care for college. Father, tonight I also pray for other adults in this situation. I also pray that adults not yet in this situation in distress will be reached before they make the same foolish, selfish mistake. Finally, for those men who you have blessed with the honor of being called "Dad" who are being a complete spiritual dumbass like I was, send whatever or whoever you need into their lives to prompt them to recognize the honor you have given them to have exclusive access to the heart of their child along with their spouse and you. WAKE THEM UP!!. Be with Ashton, Alexys and Andrew as their lives continue. In your name, where wisdom is found, Amen.

You need help in your marriage? Please don't push it to this point. Consider the following, so the conversation where you send your children off into the unknown happens when and how God intended it - NOT sooner or differently.

1. DFW area, ABCS of Life Change for Couples at Celebration Fellowship in Fort Worth
http://www.celebrationnet.com/support.html

2. The Marriage Reconciliation Ministry of the Richland Hills Church
http://www.rhchurch.org/pages/marriage-reconciliation-ministry/

or
3. The Workshops available through the National Institute for Marriage.
http://nationalmarriage.com/index.php

Anger

Ever been angry? Not annoyed, neck veins bulging, snot-slinging, profanity (or near profanity) producing angry?

Liar, that is if you said anything other than "Yes." Anger is part of being human. Feeling negative emotions doesn't mean you are anything other than the fallen human that you are. Denying that you have gotten this angry, well, that's a problem. Literally never haven gotten this angry mean you either live in seclusion and never get out of bed, or you are a psycho-path. In either case, get help.

Here is the trick with anger, at least in my experience, over this past few months when I have experienced the scenario above, oh . . . daily. My anger usually says something about ME - which I hate. Perhaps, the circumstances I am experiencing are the crop I planted coming in . . . Perhaps the response I got from another is a response to an ill-considered or thoughtless comment I made to him or her. Perhaps the anger is simply the result of having denied something another did, or something I did actually bothered me. Perhaps the anger I feel is the injustice being done to another.

Regardless, in most cases, there is some element of the anger that is self-directed. That alone is potentially positive. What can I learn by thinking through why a circumstance is as is it? What can I learn about allowing the crop I planted to be brought in with humility AND a plan not to bring that same crop in again (or a 3rd or a 4th time). What can I learn about interacting with others more effectively, in all circumstances? And the list could go on.

The Bible says, "Be angry and sin not." Seems from the comment, anger is not inherently evil or sinful. In fact, likely positive in the right situations or the grammar would not direct us to "Be angry." I like that first part, "Be angry." It's that second part, which calls my response into accountability I'm not so fond of some days. I'd rather just "Be angry" and deal with the "And sin not part" at some more convenient time, or with some individual who is more to my liking. Unfortunately, and trust me, I looked in half a dozen translations, I did not find an astrerick in any of them which give me license to simply go off and worry about whether sin will occur.

Crap!!!

But, I've perfected the ready, fire, aim method. This notion of being angry AND remaining conscious of my choices at the same time. Now that is annoying. Who is God anyway? Oh, that's right. He's God.

So, next time that collar begins to tighten as the spousal (or relationship) unit, child, co-worker, fellow believer, co-worker or some person in traffic makes you/me angry, what can I learn as I respond consciously and thoughtfully as opposed to simply going off . . . ?

Here's to appropriate anger!