Revelations - Power & Pain

Over the years, those very inconsistent times I spent any time in God's Word, the stories of people hearing from God seemed distant, remote. Not like a fairy tale rather more like a story of a very distant relative you know to have actually lived, but somehow so removed from your own life and experience the story does seem to be right at the edge of reality and fantasy. And so, revelations made to prophets, kings, and regular folks throughout the Old and New Testament I now realize I met with essentially a spiritual, "whatever."

Over the past three and a half years, as a separation became a divorce, as three precious children have moved from innocent to often angry, from joy-filled to often, predictably sad;  adults foolish enough to believe entertainment, or a new place to live, or anything else will take the place of the confusion that the adult act of betraying one's children for the sake of one's own emotions, revelations have gone from vague wispy tales to real life experiences for me - I am humbled. What God has provided has morphed from some far away story to real facts about me, Bart Wayne Castle, who I became and could easily become again should I choose to step away from Him yet again. Humbling. Soul-searing painful. Simple to see - finally. Hard to be willing to sit and examine carefully.

God has been faithful to the prayers of more than I could count. Some, like Ken and Shirley Castle (aka the parental units as a teen would have said 35 years ago when I was a teen), Kendra Kunkle and Janna Hamilton, and their husbands, Bart and Bart (yes, you read that correctly), Steve Mack, a dear friend of approaching 40 years, Steve Eldridge, Hutch Hailey, Phil Petty, Mark Atchley and Jeff Lucas just to name a few have been praying for long years I would hear what God has been trying to say. And those friends have been joined by others Keith Nagengast, newer friends Bryan Duncan, Bob, Anthony, Nathan, Darren . . . . all praying that the revelations would be real. The truth, regardless how painful heard, and the life God has always intended for me begun. A life of peace, calm, of happiness beyond circumstance, and of thanks for grace which now seen is more and more clearly beyond my wildest imagination.

Thank all of those of you who love me for the humbling honor of your persistent prayers.

The revelations have been painful, at times, breathtakingly so. Like that punch in the gut from a stranger never saw before the contact. Revelations regarding:

• My lack of gratitude for people, and things, especially those closest to me;
• My withering criticism of others, all the while my flaws on display unchecked and arrogant;
• My arrogance at things I had nothing to do with, gifts (again unappreciated) such as amazing health, unselfish, godly parents, sisters who have loved me and those I love, brother-in-laws who have put up with me, when my selfishness intruded into their lives, nieces and nephews who love me in spite of my flawed uncleness, professional opportunities with talented, engaging people who have been encumbered at times by my lack of attention to detail (and arrogance about it), faith families who gave me opportunities to serve well ahead of my immaturity, two wives who were patient until they finally broke, and three dear children now broken hearted and headed for an entire life of complication;
• My unwillingness to confess my sin at more than the surface level, likely to check a box, foolishly believing somehow God was fooled;
• My unwillingness to let go of a life of anxiety, pain, and foolish pride because of fear;
• My foolish notion that God might not actually have a clear idea of my needs; and
• My selfishness toward - everything and everyone;
• My need to be right;
• My need to control; and 
• My reluctance to embrace sadness, grieve the many losses the previous items have produced, and instead choose to embrace the reality that God can, is, and will continue to "Restore the years the locust consumed" if I will get out of HIS way.

God does speak to me. Persistently, clearly, and regularly. No. Not audibly. That has not been my experience. Or . . . has it. Perhaps those are HIS words in the counsel of godly friends, work associates who are wise, and strangers who say things not even intended for me that minister to some need I am experiencing as I hear the words.

I imagine He has had 32 years of things He was to revel to me. I didn't need them. I was busy. Busy wondering whether the revelations were just a mirage. They were not. The mirage was in my own, self-absorbed mind. Thank you Father for your persistence. Please make me open to continued revelations about what else I need to change to be more of the Bart you had in mind, than this person I created who has ignored and injured many - beginning with You, the one who has loved me most.

Revelations. Real. Powerful. Painful. Keys to freedom - if I want to be free. And, that may be the most daunting revelation of all. Do I really want to be free? 

When Its About Me Bites Me It Stinks to Me

The truth can be very hard to swallow, especially about oneself. Trust me, after dodging it about myself for three decades, it took a shot to the life chops and hard work I resisted at every step (and some days continue to resist), and will require continual diligence the remainder of my life to keep the truth in front of me in order to be my best me.

We face the same challenge in this great land of ours today. Why is America floundering? Quite simply because we have become a land where hard questions are largely unwelcome, and hard work is considered inconvenient, uncomfortable and unnecessary - traded for the fool's gold of easy answers, slick promises and short-cut folly. The myth regarding the value of litigating, or threatening to litigate, everything is but one example.

This morning making the web is this story:

http://news.yahoo.com/white-house-party-crasher-sues-wife-50m-164827120.html

about, Tareq Salahi who is suing his wife for $50 million dollars claiming her affair with a Journey band member was designed to profit her and them (Journey, the band) while harming him in various ways.

That she had an affair, regardless of the reason, speaks to her character. However, the suit rings hollow and shows what a wasteland the judicial system has become if it does not simply get thrown out. Why? Here's why - Salahi and his wife are names you may recognize as the couple who crashed a White House state dinner in 2099.

Think about it. Didn't Salahi himself condone self-promotion for gain, grand-standing and social  conventions' disregard by his act with his wife of crashing the important dinner in the country's most significant venue? Where was his regard for people's feelings then? Where was his regard for rules and conventions then? What did he think his wife would think life on the big stage was about after they staged that stunt? And no. I do not condone her affair, mixed signals from him or not. But he's surprised? If so, Mr. Salahi must not be a very bright bulb.

Wake up Tareq! You helped create this Frankenstein. Now you want to complain that the monster's loose? Stinks doesn't it? Choices DO have consequences - regardless what we in America would like to believe today. When the law is used flippantly, before long it serves less and less value, used instead for crap like this. Might Mr. Let's Be Famous at the White House have been injured, emotionally and financially? He might have. However, didn't he have a large hand in at least creating an environment where the pain would occur?

As Americans we want the economy to improve. Understandable. And we are going to depend upon the officials we elected to get us out of a mess we collectively created, based on a continent-crush with Europe by the left (Yes, that Europe the one in even bigger economic shambles), and our growing disdain for anything hard? Right. How about we, beginning with me, discontinue the practice of keeping up with the neighbors - who are also living over their household budget (if they even have one)? How about all of us, beginning with me, get a grip on the notion we are NOT our stuff, money won't buy happiness (or wealthy celebrities would not take their own lives with some regularity - and I mean BIG celebrities with loads of cash), and the law is a weak reflection of us running from ourselves?

Please understand, I  love America. Have no interest in living anywhere else. Yet, deep love and hard, pointed questions about me/us, do not mean I do not love me (or you, or us). Rather, I would argue vigorously just the opposite is true. It is an unwillingness to ask hard questions, work through rather than avoid pain, and see myself/us as I really am rather than some fantasized notion of me (you, or us) that is the path to greater effectiveness.

Mr. Salahi, take your lumps and get out of the court-house. If that's really what the former Ms. Salahi is about, you'd be well-advised to let her join the band and play on. If something in America doesn't begin to change, and fairly soon, you will have your pick of other individuals who want to play your it's about me, until me bites me game.

WAKE UP Bart. The greatest part of the journey is embedded in the hard questions and their answers, the work required to answer the questions and the continual pursuit of new hard questions. Look in the mirror, do you see Tareq peeking over your shoulder at times? Or are you Tareq?

Goodbye Little Ones, Know You Are Loved

This weekend was a bittersweet one for families around the country. Many colleges and universities begin classes on Monday and so after almost 20 years of well-intended, if not always perfectly executed attempts to parent, Dad and Mom loaded Junior (or his sister Juniorette) up and headed for college.

I remember last year my very large, formerly college football playing brother-in-law telling me about crying hard when he and my sister dropped off a second daughter to begin college, just as he had done with their eldest daughter. I was stunned. Other than a wry smile, didn't really know he had emotions (just joking big guy - please take your hands off my neck).

In all seriousness, regardless the pain required to get a child to the start of college, many friends have shared with great emotion the mix of happiness and sadness that goes with having a child reach early independence. "How did the years get by so quickly? Literally, I can remember Kindergarten Open House," one dear friend commented with much emotion several years ago as his eldest child left for college. "Bart, savor those years the kids are with you. Your lilfe and theirs will never be the same once you drive away from that curb leaving them at college."

Well, though not as I ever imagined, that day arrived for me today. As the end of this nightmare of a summer, and the end of my marriage apparently draw to a close and school begins tomorrow, my life and that of Ashton, Alexys and Andrew will likely never be the same again.

Ashton heads off to junior high, with all the anxiety we all felt in that situation. Alexys heads to fourth grade, concerned she might not remember all the Spanish she knew at the end of third grade. Andrew approaches second grade worried that he and his little buddy might talk too much and get in trouble. Underneath the typical childhood concerns, the sadness they felt at what they know will be the crap that goes with parents who are no longer together could be felt as we visited this afternoon before I drooped them off. There was really nothing I could say. The die has been cast and it takes two individuals to continue a marriage.

What do parents say at the curb of the dorm? "Do your best. We love you. We know you will do well." At least those parents can cry together as they pull away AND their child knows if he or she needs help, home is a single phone call - not two.

Three amazing kids and a new school year. As my estranged spouse starts to drink the cool-aid from who knows whom about attempting to reduce my role in the kids life - because she is still mad - I enjoyed a last few moments with the kids this afternoon and truly have NO idea what their lives, or mine, or hers will look like beginning tomorrow. I control a very, very small portion of that equation. Thankfully, God remains God and I am not (yes, there was a time when I seemed to have been confused).

This I know. NO kid should have a first day of school, or a drop off at the dorm occur with a single parent. Are you a man or woman whose marriage is in distress and you have kids? WAKE UP DAMN IT! Do whatever you need to do, while time permits, to get the healing God alone can provide to make certain when you say, "Goodbye Little Ones, Know WE Love You, have a good first day of whatever," he, she, or they get to hear it from you both. Don't be so selfish as to have one of you "winning" as you stand there proudly by yourself. There are no winners in such a drop-off only magnitudes of losers (whether both adults will admit it or not).

Ashton, Alexys and Andrew, you each deserved better. I was wrong to have been selfish and contributed greatly to this mess. Goodbye little ones, know I love you more than I imagined. Oh, how foolish I was not to see the forest for the trees.

God, I release them to you. Please give me wisdom to navigate this new path with grace, humility, love and respect for Kellie and gratitude for each moment, homework problem, school program and good night prayer I get to spend with these precious ones of yours prior to the actual day they leave our messed up care for college. Father, tonight I also pray for other adults in this situation. I also pray that adults not yet in this situation in distress will be reached before they make the same foolish, selfish mistake. Finally, for those men who you have blessed with the honor of being called "Dad" who are being a complete spiritual dumbass like I was, send whatever or whoever you need into their lives to prompt them to recognize the honor you have given them to have exclusive access to the heart of their child along with their spouse and you. WAKE THEM UP!!. Be with Ashton, Alexys and Andrew as their lives continue. In your name, where wisdom is found, Amen.

You need help in your marriage? Please don't push it to this point. Consider the following, so the conversation where you send your children off into the unknown happens when and how God intended it - NOT sooner or differently.

1. DFW area, ABCS of Life Change for Couples at Celebration Fellowship in Fort Worth
http://www.celebrationnet.com/support.html

2. The Marriage Reconciliation Ministry of the Richland Hills Church
http://www.rhchurch.org/pages/marriage-reconciliation-ministry/

or
3. The Workshops available through the National Institute for Marriage.
http://nationalmarriage.com/index.php