Revelations - Power & Pain

Over the years, those very inconsistent times I spent any time in God's Word, the stories of people hearing from God seemed distant, remote. Not like a fairy tale rather more like a story of a very distant relative you know to have actually lived, but somehow so removed from your own life and experience the story does seem to be right at the edge of reality and fantasy. And so, revelations made to prophets, kings, and regular folks throughout the Old and New Testament I now realize I met with essentially a spiritual, "whatever."

Over the past three and a half years, as a separation became a divorce, as three precious children have moved from innocent to often angry, from joy-filled to often, predictably sad;  adults foolish enough to believe entertainment, or a new place to live, or anything else will take the place of the confusion that the adult act of betraying one's children for the sake of one's own emotions, revelations have gone from vague wispy tales to real life experiences for me - I am humbled. What God has provided has morphed from some far away story to real facts about me, Bart Wayne Castle, who I became and could easily become again should I choose to step away from Him yet again. Humbling. Soul-searing painful. Simple to see - finally. Hard to be willing to sit and examine carefully.

God has been faithful to the prayers of more than I could count. Some, like Ken and Shirley Castle (aka the parental units as a teen would have said 35 years ago when I was a teen), Kendra Kunkle and Janna Hamilton, and their husbands, Bart and Bart (yes, you read that correctly), Steve Mack, a dear friend of approaching 40 years, Steve Eldridge, Hutch Hailey, Phil Petty, Mark Atchley and Jeff Lucas just to name a few have been praying for long years I would hear what God has been trying to say. And those friends have been joined by others Keith Nagengast, newer friends Bryan Duncan, Bob, Anthony, Nathan, Darren . . . . all praying that the revelations would be real. The truth, regardless how painful heard, and the life God has always intended for me begun. A life of peace, calm, of happiness beyond circumstance, and of thanks for grace which now seen is more and more clearly beyond my wildest imagination.

Thank all of those of you who love me for the humbling honor of your persistent prayers.

The revelations have been painful, at times, breathtakingly so. Like that punch in the gut from a stranger never saw before the contact. Revelations regarding:

• My lack of gratitude for people, and things, especially those closest to me;
• My withering criticism of others, all the while my flaws on display unchecked and arrogant;
• My arrogance at things I had nothing to do with, gifts (again unappreciated) such as amazing health, unselfish, godly parents, sisters who have loved me and those I love, brother-in-laws who have put up with me, when my selfishness intruded into their lives, nieces and nephews who love me in spite of my flawed uncleness, professional opportunities with talented, engaging people who have been encumbered at times by my lack of attention to detail (and arrogance about it), faith families who gave me opportunities to serve well ahead of my immaturity, two wives who were patient until they finally broke, and three dear children now broken hearted and headed for an entire life of complication;
• My unwillingness to confess my sin at more than the surface level, likely to check a box, foolishly believing somehow God was fooled;
• My unwillingness to let go of a life of anxiety, pain, and foolish pride because of fear;
• My foolish notion that God might not actually have a clear idea of my needs; and
• My selfishness toward - everything and everyone;
• My need to be right;
• My need to control; and 
• My reluctance to embrace sadness, grieve the many losses the previous items have produced, and instead choose to embrace the reality that God can, is, and will continue to "Restore the years the locust consumed" if I will get out of HIS way.

God does speak to me. Persistently, clearly, and regularly. No. Not audibly. That has not been my experience. Or . . . has it. Perhaps those are HIS words in the counsel of godly friends, work associates who are wise, and strangers who say things not even intended for me that minister to some need I am experiencing as I hear the words.

I imagine He has had 32 years of things He was to revel to me. I didn't need them. I was busy. Busy wondering whether the revelations were just a mirage. They were not. The mirage was in my own, self-absorbed mind. Thank you Father for your persistence. Please make me open to continued revelations about what else I need to change to be more of the Bart you had in mind, than this person I created who has ignored and injured many - beginning with You, the one who has loved me most.

Revelations. Real. Powerful. Painful. Keys to freedom - if I want to be free. And, that may be the most daunting revelation of all. Do I really want to be free? 

Pain 101

While working the employees who had occupational injuries years ago as an HR Manager, I realized something about pain, which the injured employees often confused. There are at least two types of pain, the pain of destruction and the pain or reconstruction or rehabilitation.

Typically an employee would be a no-show for a physical therapy session. His or her response when asked why the absence would virtually always be, "I went to the PT and it hurt, during and after PT, so I don't want to go back." When asked further, if any explanation of the pain had been provided, most would reluctantly concede they had be told in advance the exercises would hurt, during and, in most cases, following the session. However, the pain was necessary short-term to rebuild, or recondition an injured area so that the area would return to at or very near normal function. Almost always however the individuals would remark, "I don't trust that Physical Therapist, or the Company, you all are trying to hurt me more."

I would usually ask, "Employee Joe, what would we or the therapist gain by hurting you further?" Most had never really thought much about the question, choosing instead to believe some load of hooey foisted on them by a well-intended, though not terribly deep thinking spouse, relative, neighbor, etc.

As I walk through the process of a relationship apparently ending as a marriage (God, I am still open to the alternative by the way), I am reminded on days when the pain is intense that yes, part of this pain is the pain of destruction. Two very important relationships are being fundamentally destroyed (one between a man and woman as husband and wife, and the one between children and parents as a relationship which can absolutely be trusted - most divorced children research suggests, never grant that level of trust again - to anyone). Like Joe Thiesman's leg, years ago on Monday Night foot ball, the destruction is painful to watch and be part of for everyone involved, even indirectly. I am also reminded as I speak with dear friends whose love, encouragement, prayers and grace help me see through the fog that the pain is also the pain of rehabilitation.

Having made poor choices, I cannot control any longer (actually never did) the choices made by Kellie, or others who believe the only option is to end our life together. I can however control whether I choose to do the exercises God and others place in front of me to create, recreate and rehabilitate whatever these important relationships will look like in the years to come. And, like the employees who chose to flee the pain of PT, I can also choose to bolt, avoid the short-term pain, and greatly increase the chance I will walk some path that bears a striking resemblance to this one at some point in the future (oh what fun that would surely be).

What about you? Are you like me? Have you laughed at someone in the past who did not take time to understand the difference in the two kinds of pain, only to have to admit to yourself at some point in the past - you (I) were that person? I absolutely was, and as a result a talented woman and three innocent children have been deeply wounded.

I pray God will continue His relentless butt-kicking as He sends me back into the exercises each day on the way to a healed, reconditioned me. For those of you who He has used as assistant butt-kickers; Steve M., Phil P., Jeff L., Bryan D., James R., Scott B., Kelly S., Kellie C., Ken and Shirley, Steve E., and a host of others thank you for loving me enough to kick . . . I may not always appear to but I do understand the difference and am learning to accept (dare I say, embrace) the pain a bit more each day. Because of your love, God's love and His amazing mercy, healing will occur.

Got something that is hurting you? Which pain is it, and what do you need to do to react to it appropriately? Be careful you don't misdiagnose the pain!