This weekend was a bittersweet one for families around the country. Many colleges and universities begin classes on Monday and so after almost 20 years of well-intended, if not always perfectly executed attempts to parent, Dad and Mom loaded Junior (or his sister Juniorette) up and headed for college.
I remember last year my very large, formerly college football playing brother-in-law telling me about crying hard when he and my sister dropped off a second daughter to begin college, just as he had done with their eldest daughter. I was stunned. Other than a wry smile, didn't really know he had emotions (just joking big guy - please take your hands off my neck).
In all seriousness, regardless the pain required to get a child to the start of college, many friends have shared with great emotion the mix of happiness and sadness that goes with having a child reach early independence. "How did the years get by so quickly? Literally, I can remember Kindergarten Open House," one dear friend commented with much emotion several years ago as his eldest child left for college. "Bart, savor those years the kids are with you. Your lilfe and theirs will never be the same once you drive away from that curb leaving them at college."
Well, though not as I ever imagined, that day arrived for me today. As the end of this nightmare of a summer, and the end of my marriage apparently draw to a close and school begins tomorrow, my life and that of Ashton, Alexys and Andrew will likely never be the same again.
Ashton heads off to junior high, with all the anxiety we all felt in that situation. Alexys heads to fourth grade, concerned she might not remember all the Spanish she knew at the end of third grade. Andrew approaches second grade worried that he and his little buddy might talk too much and get in trouble. Underneath the typical childhood concerns, the sadness they felt at what they know will be the crap that goes with parents who are no longer together could be felt as we visited this afternoon before I drooped them off. There was really nothing I could say. The die has been cast and it takes two individuals to continue a marriage.
What do parents say at the curb of the dorm? "Do your best. We love you. We know you will do well." At least those parents can cry together as they pull away AND their child knows if he or she needs help, home is a single phone call - not two.
Three amazing kids and a new school year. As my estranged spouse starts to drink the cool-aid from who knows whom about attempting to reduce my role in the kids life - because she is still mad - I enjoyed a last few moments with the kids this afternoon and truly have NO idea what their lives, or mine, or hers will look like beginning tomorrow. I control a very, very small portion of that equation. Thankfully, God remains God and I am not (yes, there was a time when I seemed to have been confused).
This I know. NO kid should have a first day of school, or a drop off at the dorm occur with a single parent. Are you a man or woman whose marriage is in distress and you have kids? WAKE UP DAMN IT! Do whatever you need to do, while time permits, to get the healing God alone can provide to make certain when you say, "Goodbye Little Ones, Know WE Love You, have a good first day of whatever," he, she, or they get to hear it from you both. Don't be so selfish as to have one of you "winning" as you stand there proudly by yourself. There are no winners in such a drop-off only magnitudes of losers (whether both adults will admit it or not).
Ashton, Alexys and Andrew, you each deserved better. I was wrong to have been selfish and contributed greatly to this mess. Goodbye little ones, know I love you more than I imagined. Oh, how foolish I was not to see the forest for the trees.
God, I release them to you. Please give me wisdom to navigate this new path with grace, humility, love and respect for Kellie and gratitude for each moment, homework problem, school program and good night prayer I get to spend with these precious ones of yours prior to the actual day they leave our messed up care for college. Father, tonight I also pray for other adults in this situation. I also pray that adults not yet in this situation in distress will be reached before they make the same foolish, selfish mistake. Finally, for those men who you have blessed with the honor of being called "Dad" who are being a complete spiritual dumbass like I was, send whatever or whoever you need into their lives to prompt them to recognize the honor you have given them to have exclusive access to the heart of their child along with their spouse and you. WAKE THEM UP!!. Be with Ashton, Alexys and Andrew as their lives continue. In your name, where wisdom is found, Amen.
You need help in your marriage? Please don't push it to this point. Consider the following, so the conversation where you send your children off into the unknown happens when and how God intended it - NOT sooner or differently.
1. DFW area, ABCS of Life Change for Couples at Celebration Fellowship in Fort Worth
http://www.celebrationnet.com/support.html
2. The Marriage Reconciliation Ministry of the Richland Hills Church
http://www.rhchurch.org/pages/marriage-reconciliation-ministry/
or
3. The Workshops available through the National Institute for Marriage.
http://nationalmarriage.com/index.php
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Anger
Ever been angry? Not annoyed, neck veins bulging, snot-slinging, profanity (or near profanity) producing angry?
Liar, that is if you said anything other than "Yes." Anger is part of being human. Feeling negative emotions doesn't mean you are anything other than the fallen human that you are. Denying that you have gotten this angry, well, that's a problem. Literally never haven gotten this angry mean you either live in seclusion and never get out of bed, or you are a psycho-path. In either case, get help.
Here is the trick with anger, at least in my experience, over this past few months when I have experienced the scenario above, oh . . . daily. My anger usually says something about ME - which I hate. Perhaps, the circumstances I am experiencing are the crop I planted coming in . . . Perhaps the response I got from another is a response to an ill-considered or thoughtless comment I made to him or her. Perhaps the anger is simply the result of having denied something another did, or something I did actually bothered me. Perhaps the anger I feel is the injustice being done to another.
Regardless, in most cases, there is some element of the anger that is self-directed. That alone is potentially positive. What can I learn by thinking through why a circumstance is as is it? What can I learn about allowing the crop I planted to be brought in with humility AND a plan not to bring that same crop in again (or a 3rd or a 4th time). What can I learn about interacting with others more effectively, in all circumstances? And the list could go on.
The Bible says, "Be angry and sin not." Seems from the comment, anger is not inherently evil or sinful. In fact, likely positive in the right situations or the grammar would not direct us to "Be angry." I like that first part, "Be angry." It's that second part, which calls my response into accountability I'm not so fond of some days. I'd rather just "Be angry" and deal with the "And sin not part" at some more convenient time, or with some individual who is more to my liking. Unfortunately, and trust me, I looked in half a dozen translations, I did not find an astrerick in any of them which give me license to simply go off and worry about whether sin will occur.
Crap!!!
But, I've perfected the ready, fire, aim method. This notion of being angry AND remaining conscious of my choices at the same time. Now that is annoying. Who is God anyway? Oh, that's right. He's God.
So, next time that collar begins to tighten as the spousal (or relationship) unit, child, co-worker, fellow believer, co-worker or some person in traffic makes you/me angry, what can I learn as I respond consciously and thoughtfully as opposed to simply going off . . . ?
Here's to appropriate anger!
Liar, that is if you said anything other than "Yes." Anger is part of being human. Feeling negative emotions doesn't mean you are anything other than the fallen human that you are. Denying that you have gotten this angry, well, that's a problem. Literally never haven gotten this angry mean you either live in seclusion and never get out of bed, or you are a psycho-path. In either case, get help.
Here is the trick with anger, at least in my experience, over this past few months when I have experienced the scenario above, oh . . . daily. My anger usually says something about ME - which I hate. Perhaps, the circumstances I am experiencing are the crop I planted coming in . . . Perhaps the response I got from another is a response to an ill-considered or thoughtless comment I made to him or her. Perhaps the anger is simply the result of having denied something another did, or something I did actually bothered me. Perhaps the anger I feel is the injustice being done to another.
Regardless, in most cases, there is some element of the anger that is self-directed. That alone is potentially positive. What can I learn by thinking through why a circumstance is as is it? What can I learn about allowing the crop I planted to be brought in with humility AND a plan not to bring that same crop in again (or a 3rd or a 4th time). What can I learn about interacting with others more effectively, in all circumstances? And the list could go on.
The Bible says, "Be angry and sin not." Seems from the comment, anger is not inherently evil or sinful. In fact, likely positive in the right situations or the grammar would not direct us to "Be angry." I like that first part, "Be angry." It's that second part, which calls my response into accountability I'm not so fond of some days. I'd rather just "Be angry" and deal with the "And sin not part" at some more convenient time, or with some individual who is more to my liking. Unfortunately, and trust me, I looked in half a dozen translations, I did not find an astrerick in any of them which give me license to simply go off and worry about whether sin will occur.
Crap!!!
But, I've perfected the ready, fire, aim method. This notion of being angry AND remaining conscious of my choices at the same time. Now that is annoying. Who is God anyway? Oh, that's right. He's God.
So, next time that collar begins to tighten as the spousal (or relationship) unit, child, co-worker, fellow believer, co-worker or some person in traffic makes you/me angry, what can I learn as I respond consciously and thoughtfully as opposed to simply going off . . . ?
Here's to appropriate anger!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Pain 101
While working the employees who had occupational injuries years ago as an HR Manager, I realized something about pain, which the injured employees often confused. There are at least two types of pain, the pain of destruction and the pain or reconstruction or rehabilitation.
Typically an employee would be a no-show for a physical therapy session. His or her response when asked why the absence would virtually always be, "I went to the PT and it hurt, during and after PT, so I don't want to go back." When asked further, if any explanation of the pain had been provided, most would reluctantly concede they had be told in advance the exercises would hurt, during and, in most cases, following the session. However, the pain was necessary short-term to rebuild, or recondition an injured area so that the area would return to at or very near normal function. Almost always however the individuals would remark, "I don't trust that Physical Therapist, or the Company, you all are trying to hurt me more."
I would usually ask, "Employee Joe, what would we or the therapist gain by hurting you further?" Most had never really thought much about the question, choosing instead to believe some load of hooey foisted on them by a well-intended, though not terribly deep thinking spouse, relative, neighbor, etc.
As I walk through the process of a relationship apparently ending as a marriage (God, I am still open to the alternative by the way), I am reminded on days when the pain is intense that yes, part of this pain is the pain of destruction. Two very important relationships are being fundamentally destroyed (one between a man and woman as husband and wife, and the one between children and parents as a relationship which can absolutely be trusted - most divorced children research suggests, never grant that level of trust again - to anyone). Like Joe Thiesman's leg, years ago on Monday Night foot ball, the destruction is painful to watch and be part of for everyone involved, even indirectly. I am also reminded as I speak with dear friends whose love, encouragement, prayers and grace help me see through the fog that the pain is also the pain of rehabilitation.
Having made poor choices, I cannot control any longer (actually never did) the choices made by Kellie, or others who believe the only option is to end our life together. I can however control whether I choose to do the exercises God and others place in front of me to create, recreate and rehabilitate whatever these important relationships will look like in the years to come. And, like the employees who chose to flee the pain of PT, I can also choose to bolt, avoid the short-term pain, and greatly increase the chance I will walk some path that bears a striking resemblance to this one at some point in the future (oh what fun that would surely be).
What about you? Are you like me? Have you laughed at someone in the past who did not take time to understand the difference in the two kinds of pain, only to have to admit to yourself at some point in the past - you (I) were that person? I absolutely was, and as a result a talented woman and three innocent children have been deeply wounded.
I pray God will continue His relentless butt-kicking as He sends me back into the exercises each day on the way to a healed, reconditioned me. For those of you who He has used as assistant butt-kickers; Steve M., Phil P., Jeff L., Bryan D., James R., Scott B., Kelly S., Kellie C., Ken and Shirley, Steve E., and a host of others thank you for loving me enough to kick . . . I may not always appear to but I do understand the difference and am learning to accept (dare I say, embrace) the pain a bit more each day. Because of your love, God's love and His amazing mercy, healing will occur.
Got something that is hurting you? Which pain is it, and what do you need to do to react to it appropriately? Be careful you don't misdiagnose the pain!
Typically an employee would be a no-show for a physical therapy session. His or her response when asked why the absence would virtually always be, "I went to the PT and it hurt, during and after PT, so I don't want to go back." When asked further, if any explanation of the pain had been provided, most would reluctantly concede they had be told in advance the exercises would hurt, during and, in most cases, following the session. However, the pain was necessary short-term to rebuild, or recondition an injured area so that the area would return to at or very near normal function. Almost always however the individuals would remark, "I don't trust that Physical Therapist, or the Company, you all are trying to hurt me more."
I would usually ask, "Employee Joe, what would we or the therapist gain by hurting you further?" Most had never really thought much about the question, choosing instead to believe some load of hooey foisted on them by a well-intended, though not terribly deep thinking spouse, relative, neighbor, etc.
As I walk through the process of a relationship apparently ending as a marriage (God, I am still open to the alternative by the way), I am reminded on days when the pain is intense that yes, part of this pain is the pain of destruction. Two very important relationships are being fundamentally destroyed (one between a man and woman as husband and wife, and the one between children and parents as a relationship which can absolutely be trusted - most divorced children research suggests, never grant that level of trust again - to anyone). Like Joe Thiesman's leg, years ago on Monday Night foot ball, the destruction is painful to watch and be part of for everyone involved, even indirectly. I am also reminded as I speak with dear friends whose love, encouragement, prayers and grace help me see through the fog that the pain is also the pain of rehabilitation.
Having made poor choices, I cannot control any longer (actually never did) the choices made by Kellie, or others who believe the only option is to end our life together. I can however control whether I choose to do the exercises God and others place in front of me to create, recreate and rehabilitate whatever these important relationships will look like in the years to come. And, like the employees who chose to flee the pain of PT, I can also choose to bolt, avoid the short-term pain, and greatly increase the chance I will walk some path that bears a striking resemblance to this one at some point in the future (oh what fun that would surely be).
What about you? Are you like me? Have you laughed at someone in the past who did not take time to understand the difference in the two kinds of pain, only to have to admit to yourself at some point in the past - you (I) were that person? I absolutely was, and as a result a talented woman and three innocent children have been deeply wounded.
I pray God will continue His relentless butt-kicking as He sends me back into the exercises each day on the way to a healed, reconditioned me. For those of you who He has used as assistant butt-kickers; Steve M., Phil P., Jeff L., Bryan D., James R., Scott B., Kelly S., Kellie C., Ken and Shirley, Steve E., and a host of others thank you for loving me enough to kick . . . I may not always appear to but I do understand the difference and am learning to accept (dare I say, embrace) the pain a bit more each day. Because of your love, God's love and His amazing mercy, healing will occur.
Got something that is hurting you? Which pain is it, and what do you need to do to react to it appropriately? Be careful you don't misdiagnose the pain!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Appreciate the Manna - Before It's Gone
In the Old Testament, our spiritual ancestors the Israelites recently delivered from Egypt where they were treated in sub-human fashion, began to lament life on the road (out from under their tormentors). "We are going to die out here," they wailed like today's children, teenagers and most adults forced to play somewhere other than in front of a computer or TV in the A/C. "Besides, we are hungry. In Egypt they treated us like crap but at least we had 3 squares a day," they continued like a convict who has mistaken prison fare's stability for freedom.
So God fed them with manna. Each morning available for the gathering was the day's meal with only the condition that they not take more than a day's worth. Soon, right to the door delivery was not even enough and they were griping again.
This summer, God has made very clear to me just how much like my spiritual ancestors I really am. For years I enjoyed the company of a spouse who loved and was patient with me. Her companionship was that manna. Hmmm, think I appreciated it? Not only no, but heck no. Now she's gone. What I wouldn't give for just a few minutes walking hand in hand talking about ANYTHING, or nothing.
Manna looks very different today than it did prior to May 29, 2010. How much clearer my vision is in its absence!
Do you like manna? Are you thankful God has provided manna in your life? Are you really? Men, no, your spouse isn't perfect - but she puts up with your crap (and no one dishes out crap like men, especially many believing men, who are "leaders" of their household). When was the last time you said, "Dear (or your pet name for her), my world would be absolutely incomplete without you in it. I would NOT be the person I am without your love and companionship." Or, "Dear patient woman, do you know how poor a job I have done showing you at the heart-level what your love means to me and who God is making me?"
NO - comments did not come from Oprah. Came from the heart of one who ignored manna, griped about manna and wasted manna as he saw fit - until his arrogance resulted in its disappearance. Trust me today fellows when I tell you, the manna you enjoy, on it's (her) worst day is beyond your comprehension of its (her) disappearance. From one hungry fellow to the next (and I don't mean horny, I mean hungry for the companionship and company my sweet wife patiently provided) savor the taste of the manna God has provided you before it slips away.
So God fed them with manna. Each morning available for the gathering was the day's meal with only the condition that they not take more than a day's worth. Soon, right to the door delivery was not even enough and they were griping again.
This summer, God has made very clear to me just how much like my spiritual ancestors I really am. For years I enjoyed the company of a spouse who loved and was patient with me. Her companionship was that manna. Hmmm, think I appreciated it? Not only no, but heck no. Now she's gone. What I wouldn't give for just a few minutes walking hand in hand talking about ANYTHING, or nothing.
Manna looks very different today than it did prior to May 29, 2010. How much clearer my vision is in its absence!
Do you like manna? Are you thankful God has provided manna in your life? Are you really? Men, no, your spouse isn't perfect - but she puts up with your crap (and no one dishes out crap like men, especially many believing men, who are "leaders" of their household). When was the last time you said, "Dear (or your pet name for her), my world would be absolutely incomplete without you in it. I would NOT be the person I am without your love and companionship." Or, "Dear patient woman, do you know how poor a job I have done showing you at the heart-level what your love means to me and who God is making me?"
NO - comments did not come from Oprah. Came from the heart of one who ignored manna, griped about manna and wasted manna as he saw fit - until his arrogance resulted in its disappearance. Trust me today fellows when I tell you, the manna you enjoy, on it's (her) worst day is beyond your comprehension of its (her) disappearance. From one hungry fellow to the next (and I don't mean horny, I mean hungry for the companionship and company my sweet wife patiently provided) savor the taste of the manna God has provided you before it slips away.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Vulnerability
As I face the loss of my best friend to divorce, the consequence of my misdirected attempts to hide my vulnerability, I am struck by truth of Jesus statement that the tighter we hold life, the greater the likelihood we will lose it.
I badly wanted to be loved by my sweet spouse for just me - failings, weaknesses and all. I wanted it to be alright to show emotion, express doubt at times in my own abilities and questions about faith. However, to our last days in the same house, I believed the lies from Hell - "protecting myself" from the prospect of rejection - pridefully believing I was disguising weakness for strength and insight. What a crock of crap!
On those few instances I was vulnerable, I was accepted on each occasion!!
Men, guess why God insisted we lead? Because we are dispositionally INCAPABLE of doing so effectively unless we give the responsibility back to Him realizing, "I cannot do this." He asked that we lead because doing so with any shot at success requires turning the job back over to HIM every morning.
BTW, ladies before you break something, guess why God ask that you serve in other roles? Because you ARE dispositionally suited to lead and if the task can be carried out without the absolute need for surrender, what results? Pride. Put down the glass vase. Move away from the ledge. Ponder the last two paragraphs before injuring yourself, anyone near you, or flaming me. Ponder (respond no sooner than 10 days). Back to the point at hand.
Who in your life are you hiding from tonight? Afraid he or she won't love the real you? Who has been vulnerable with you, yet you are withholding the same? Please, do yourself a favor before the chance is lost. Show them your heart. Tell someone you love, you feel honored to have a place you can go that is safe, failings and all. You will be blessed beyond words. Withhold it - trust me - you will feel both rejection and laughter as Hell mocks you for having traded pride as a counterfeit substitute for vulnerability.
He who would save his life must lose it . . .
I badly wanted to be loved by my sweet spouse for just me - failings, weaknesses and all. I wanted it to be alright to show emotion, express doubt at times in my own abilities and questions about faith. However, to our last days in the same house, I believed the lies from Hell - "protecting myself" from the prospect of rejection - pridefully believing I was disguising weakness for strength and insight. What a crock of crap!
On those few instances I was vulnerable, I was accepted on each occasion!!
Men, guess why God insisted we lead? Because we are dispositionally INCAPABLE of doing so effectively unless we give the responsibility back to Him realizing, "I cannot do this." He asked that we lead because doing so with any shot at success requires turning the job back over to HIM every morning.
BTW, ladies before you break something, guess why God ask that you serve in other roles? Because you ARE dispositionally suited to lead and if the task can be carried out without the absolute need for surrender, what results? Pride. Put down the glass vase. Move away from the ledge. Ponder the last two paragraphs before injuring yourself, anyone near you, or flaming me. Ponder (respond no sooner than 10 days). Back to the point at hand.
Who in your life are you hiding from tonight? Afraid he or she won't love the real you? Who has been vulnerable with you, yet you are withholding the same? Please, do yourself a favor before the chance is lost. Show them your heart. Tell someone you love, you feel honored to have a place you can go that is safe, failings and all. You will be blessed beyond words. Withhold it - trust me - you will feel both rejection and laughter as Hell mocks you for having traded pride as a counterfeit substitute for vulnerability.
He who would save his life must lose it . . .
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