Our Temporary Home

The lyrics to songs often speak to me in ways few other things can. I know. Such a manly admission. Hey - I didn't name an artist. So those of you who thought it was someone sappy . . . well you might have been right depending upon the song. I do like Josh Groban. He will make the bulky among you gag probably. Deal with it.

Seriously, there have been many occasions in life when songs seemed to reach me in ways few other things have been able to.

Last night, saddened by returning my children to their other half-home (mom's house), not because I do not want them to enjoy her love, rather because I am saddened they now must enjoy physically her's or mine, not both, I heard a song which brought tears to my heart. I cried both because I was sad at the new reality of my life absent my family and because the lyrics of the song were hopeful at the same time.

Sad and hopeful in the same song? Yes. The reality of life in a fallen world for anyone who is a believer.

The tune is one recorded by the country star, Carrie Underwood, "Temporary Home." It's words describe three hard scenarios; a child moving from foster home to foster home, a single mother in a shelter and a man, surrounded by loved ones, who knows he is experiencing his last breaths on this side of eternity. Each scenario spoke to me. I was fortunate to have a father and mother, so loving, that I experienced the joy of foster brothers and sisters on almost a dozen occasions as a child. Our home was a haven for little boys and girls who had been spit out by the storms of this life. And, our home was in each case, their "temporary home." My children now live in a home with a single mom. Regardless of how she got there recent events suggest she's finding it less the fairy tale than she imagined. And, the challenges it presents on the way to some new man, will roll down to Ashton, Alexys and Andrew. I ask God's prayer that they understand, this life, with this bitter pill is only, their "temporary home." Finally, in those moments when I allow anxiety over the uncertainties of this new life to overwhelm me with a range of emotions (up until recently almost all negative), I hope the Holy Spirit will remind me that one day I may be that old man. Surrounded by those who love me, I will look into the imperfect eyes of each for the last time and be struck by how quickly our lives here together have passed, how insignificant many of the things I worried about were and how wonderful it will be to see each of those sets of eyes perfected one day in heaven. After all, our time together up to that moment will all have been spent here and this is only our "temporary home."

Do you realize that fact? Would a stranger describe the actions of your life today and say, "It's clear from his or her actions and reactions that he or she recognizes clearly this is a "temporary home?'" Really? When your child of any age chooses something today you'd rather he or she didn't, will your response to the action demonstrate that the moment is a stop, "On the way to where we are goin'?" If you are blessed to be married or in a significant relationship and a disagreement occurs, would a stranger observing your response sense that your love for the other person was based upon the reality that this is your "temporary home" together and the goal is a more permanent one? If the answer to either is, or ever has been "No," as mine so often was - it's not to late to change those observations.

Whether you life country music or Carrie Underwood, allow these words to wash over you. Allow them to change the way you see the rest of today and tomorrow if God provides one. It will be over quickly, though sometimes it feels otherwise. No matter the hardship remember, believers in the one who has built a home for you that will last after the light of the stars has been extinguished, "Windows and rooms, we're just passing through, this is our temporary home . . .


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if7CZF_ycWQ


Thanks to the songwriter, Ms. Underwood and the creator of this YouTube video for being used to touch me.

Goodbye Little Ones, Know You Are Loved

This weekend was a bittersweet one for families around the country. Many colleges and universities begin classes on Monday and so after almost 20 years of well-intended, if not always perfectly executed attempts to parent, Dad and Mom loaded Junior (or his sister Juniorette) up and headed for college.

I remember last year my very large, formerly college football playing brother-in-law telling me about crying hard when he and my sister dropped off a second daughter to begin college, just as he had done with their eldest daughter. I was stunned. Other than a wry smile, didn't really know he had emotions (just joking big guy - please take your hands off my neck).

In all seriousness, regardless the pain required to get a child to the start of college, many friends have shared with great emotion the mix of happiness and sadness that goes with having a child reach early independence. "How did the years get by so quickly? Literally, I can remember Kindergarten Open House," one dear friend commented with much emotion several years ago as his eldest child left for college. "Bart, savor those years the kids are with you. Your lilfe and theirs will never be the same once you drive away from that curb leaving them at college."

Well, though not as I ever imagined, that day arrived for me today. As the end of this nightmare of a summer, and the end of my marriage apparently draw to a close and school begins tomorrow, my life and that of Ashton, Alexys and Andrew will likely never be the same again.

Ashton heads off to junior high, with all the anxiety we all felt in that situation. Alexys heads to fourth grade, concerned she might not remember all the Spanish she knew at the end of third grade. Andrew approaches second grade worried that he and his little buddy might talk too much and get in trouble. Underneath the typical childhood concerns, the sadness they felt at what they know will be the crap that goes with parents who are no longer together could be felt as we visited this afternoon before I drooped them off. There was really nothing I could say. The die has been cast and it takes two individuals to continue a marriage.

What do parents say at the curb of the dorm? "Do your best. We love you. We know you will do well." At least those parents can cry together as they pull away AND their child knows if he or she needs help, home is a single phone call - not two.

Three amazing kids and a new school year. As my estranged spouse starts to drink the cool-aid from who knows whom about attempting to reduce my role in the kids life - because she is still mad - I enjoyed a last few moments with the kids this afternoon and truly have NO idea what their lives, or mine, or hers will look like beginning tomorrow. I control a very, very small portion of that equation. Thankfully, God remains God and I am not (yes, there was a time when I seemed to have been confused).

This I know. NO kid should have a first day of school, or a drop off at the dorm occur with a single parent. Are you a man or woman whose marriage is in distress and you have kids? WAKE UP DAMN IT! Do whatever you need to do, while time permits, to get the healing God alone can provide to make certain when you say, "Goodbye Little Ones, Know WE Love You, have a good first day of whatever," he, she, or they get to hear it from you both. Don't be so selfish as to have one of you "winning" as you stand there proudly by yourself. There are no winners in such a drop-off only magnitudes of losers (whether both adults will admit it or not).

Ashton, Alexys and Andrew, you each deserved better. I was wrong to have been selfish and contributed greatly to this mess. Goodbye little ones, know I love you more than I imagined. Oh, how foolish I was not to see the forest for the trees.

God, I release them to you. Please give me wisdom to navigate this new path with grace, humility, love and respect for Kellie and gratitude for each moment, homework problem, school program and good night prayer I get to spend with these precious ones of yours prior to the actual day they leave our messed up care for college. Father, tonight I also pray for other adults in this situation. I also pray that adults not yet in this situation in distress will be reached before they make the same foolish, selfish mistake. Finally, for those men who you have blessed with the honor of being called "Dad" who are being a complete spiritual dumbass like I was, send whatever or whoever you need into their lives to prompt them to recognize the honor you have given them to have exclusive access to the heart of their child along with their spouse and you. WAKE THEM UP!!. Be with Ashton, Alexys and Andrew as their lives continue. In your name, where wisdom is found, Amen.

You need help in your marriage? Please don't push it to this point. Consider the following, so the conversation where you send your children off into the unknown happens when and how God intended it - NOT sooner or differently.

1. DFW area, ABCS of Life Change for Couples at Celebration Fellowship in Fort Worth
http://www.celebrationnet.com/support.html

2. The Marriage Reconciliation Ministry of the Richland Hills Church
http://www.rhchurch.org/pages/marriage-reconciliation-ministry/

or
3. The Workshops available through the National Institute for Marriage.
http://nationalmarriage.com/index.php

Letting Go

As this unfortunate summer began, little did I know how tightly I was actually grasping at things over which I had NO real control. As such, when friends starting talking about, "Letting go of things," such as any action taken by my estranged spouse, my children's behavior, my expectations regarding how my life was supposed to look at 50, and a host of other things far to lengthy for a blog post, I remember thinking, "That should be easy, I have very few things I think I control."

WRONG - control boy!

Additionally, when those same friends (old and new) spoke about the peace I would find once I did in fact let things go, again, my bald head was filled with erroneous notions. Chief among them, how important my input was to the effective outcome of many things, as if I was god (whew, I am not, I now know).

ABSOLUTELY WRONG - control boy!!

Over the past 9 or so weeks, it has become clear to me that

• I control myself, on a good day (and even then the "control" can be tenuous);
• I absolutely do NOT control anyone else (regardless of how close he/she/they might be to me);
• I DO NOT need to control others (that is a level of responsibility I do not need, nor want);
• That attempting to control others is the ultimate form of disrespect and it hampers the growth of others;
• The freedom which comes from the realization regarding how little control I have, once more fully understood, has begun to produce a peace I could not imagine (and am still surprised by - why the heck did I not get this 30 years ago - brick brain); and
• Outcomes are in the hands of GOD - and I AM NOT HIM!

Do I still occasionally freak, or try to control? Surely that's a rhetorical question on your part. I'm almost 51 years old and have been trying to control every one but Bart for at least 32 years. Control boy is mortally wounded but because he's ornery, it is taking awhile for him to go down. However, because God loves me, has shown me mercy - even in the midst of this self-inflicted mess - and continues to stand scanning the horizon from His kids to come home (just as He did in the story of the Prodigal Son), when I dropped the control rope, He has run with open arms, a response breathtaking in its reality.

Stressed out? Relationships of any kind in distress? Feeling overwhelmed? Drop the rope. No, drop the notion you have the rope - you don't. Being in control is a very American notion - that is WRONG. Drop the rope and you will be amazed, literally amazed out what God might have in mind.

Here's to a life lived without the stress of the allusion of control . . . .

Anger

Ever been angry? Not annoyed, neck veins bulging, snot-slinging, profanity (or near profanity) producing angry?

Liar, that is if you said anything other than "Yes." Anger is part of being human. Feeling negative emotions doesn't mean you are anything other than the fallen human that you are. Denying that you have gotten this angry, well, that's a problem. Literally never haven gotten this angry mean you either live in seclusion and never get out of bed, or you are a psycho-path. In either case, get help.

Here is the trick with anger, at least in my experience, over this past few months when I have experienced the scenario above, oh . . . daily. My anger usually says something about ME - which I hate. Perhaps, the circumstances I am experiencing are the crop I planted coming in . . . Perhaps the response I got from another is a response to an ill-considered or thoughtless comment I made to him or her. Perhaps the anger is simply the result of having denied something another did, or something I did actually bothered me. Perhaps the anger I feel is the injustice being done to another.

Regardless, in most cases, there is some element of the anger that is self-directed. That alone is potentially positive. What can I learn by thinking through why a circumstance is as is it? What can I learn about allowing the crop I planted to be brought in with humility AND a plan not to bring that same crop in again (or a 3rd or a 4th time). What can I learn about interacting with others more effectively, in all circumstances? And the list could go on.

The Bible says, "Be angry and sin not." Seems from the comment, anger is not inherently evil or sinful. In fact, likely positive in the right situations or the grammar would not direct us to "Be angry." I like that first part, "Be angry." It's that second part, which calls my response into accountability I'm not so fond of some days. I'd rather just "Be angry" and deal with the "And sin not part" at some more convenient time, or with some individual who is more to my liking. Unfortunately, and trust me, I looked in half a dozen translations, I did not find an astrerick in any of them which give me license to simply go off and worry about whether sin will occur.

Crap!!!

But, I've perfected the ready, fire, aim method. This notion of being angry AND remaining conscious of my choices at the same time. Now that is annoying. Who is God anyway? Oh, that's right. He's God.

So, next time that collar begins to tighten as the spousal (or relationship) unit, child, co-worker, fellow believer, co-worker or some person in traffic makes you/me angry, what can I learn as I respond consciously and thoughtfully as opposed to simply going off . . . ?

Here's to appropriate anger!

Playing Games

Getting the opportunity to look at the games we play as people this summer. It is sooo much fun - NOT. And, I must confess it has unearthed instances where I have not been thinking deeply about games I might have been playing (I believe it's called either "controlling" or attempting to "manipulate" but, "Shhhh," it will be our secret).

Recently, I was asked if my kids could be present at a party for an individual who candidly does not have an appropriate place in their life at present (isn't that diplomatic). The request was ended with, "I respect if you'd rather they not be there as it is your time with them." (Now isn't that respectful?)

Guess what? Party had already been hyped to them, including the fact that inappropriate party shared a "birthday" with our daughter. Of course the hype ended with, "Well we will need to ask your dad if he cares if you come."

That isn't respect. That's a game. What response can I give to the request that will be viewed as anything other than being an old fart? The party for whom the event is being hosted violates a boundary objective third parties agree is not only reasonable for the kids but healthy. Yet, how can I explain that to a 12, 9 and 7 year old who have been told otherwise by parties who are NOT objective but are loved by the children? So if I say, "Yes," I am making an unhealthy decision for my children. On the other hand, now that the party has been hyped and only my "approval" is standing in between the kids and the party, if I say, "No," it positions me as an old fart who is keeping them from fun. Either way I lose. I am certain it's coincidence . . . LOL.

For the record, I will likely say, 'No." God entrusted me with the job of parenting. It ain't all fun if it's done right - that's what those of you who have already raised great kids told me. Sometimes the right decision means the hard call.

Made me think though. I wonder how many times I have given loved ones, friends, co-workers, or others "choices" that really weren't choices at all rather my twisted way of getting what I wanted - hoping I could fool them with words such as, "I respect your opinion, feelings, wishes, etc., on the matter," when really I didn't? Sadly, in short order I was able to come up with several.

We silly humans. Why do we play games with each other? Real respect means making all the choices available as options not just those I desire for selection. Respect means thinking of your needs before my own (I must confess, I have not been good at that - in fact - sucked at it).

Join in pledging to work hard to leave the games to Milton Bradley and deal honestly and respectfully with others.

Emotional Age

I have had 50 birthdays. And, 50 feels much more youthful than I imaged. Okay, I will admit, being blessed with children who are 12, 9 and 7 helps. I get to coach little league, go to Daddy daughter dances (fortunately they dim the lights so my dancing is largely disguised), and have acquaintances who are in their late 20s and early 30s to keep me up to date on the latest scary social happenings for kids, my kids age.

Despite my calendar birthdays, I am realizing my emotional age lagged far behind my biological age. The diagnosis, though painful was relatively easy.

How so you ask? Well, I believe it is summed up succinctly by the line used often by the financial educator, Dave Ramsey, who makes the statement, "Adults devise a plan and execute it, children make decisions based on their emotions."

I am trying to help my children begin to learn the lesson from the comment above, even as I work toward it with more consistency myself. Even during a challenging season of life, I get to decide my emotions. Others can only make me feel the way I CHOOSE to allow them to make me feel. Unkind words, thoughtless guestures, games, the crazy driver in traffic, kids, spouses (or estranged spouses) can only push my buttons - if I make those buttons available. I can choose to be respectful, pleasant, content, forgiving - regardless of what is coming my way.

Easy to be loving when another is unloving? Heck no. Even an emotionally mature person is not a robot. However, an individual who is emotionally mature realizes that any short-term gain achieved by acting nasty in return is typically very short-term and often expensive in the long-term. Besides, grumpy and unloving, victimage and self-pity are easy to come by in today's world. Does the world really need another grumpy, woe is me, person. I think not.

So, ask yourself today, better yet, ask a trusted friend who won't blow you smoke, "Based on my typical conduct - especially under pressure or trial - does my emotional age match my biological age?" If they say yes, congratulations and keep up the good work. If, on the other hand they say no, you still win. You have information you can build on, and, you can join me in the work to get them closer together. Either answer you win!

Here's to the emotionally mature people I know, and I am fortunate to know several. Thank you for the powerful example. For those of you who have put up with the gap in me, thank you for your grace and mercy.

To life with the gap narrowed!